The Birth of A Season

Long legs and flowing skirts

Dancing in the wind

Fuschia lips and swinging hips

They'll take you for a spin

Bare skin shimmers

Beautiful innocent sinners

Hair like waves

These girls make graves

High heels and painted toes

She's pretty and she knows

Come midnight anything goes

A wink and a smile

She exhales in style

Two Three Four days in a row

So soft and so fair

Best damn well prepare

For springtime is in the air

G

When you are beside me, the world sharpens. 

Please stay a while.

The Long Road

A wooden swing hung from braided rope tied to an old tree branch.
A girl pushed her feet up in to the air, then back and forth until her surroundings blurred.
She was convinced that if she kept going for long enough, she could let go and start to soar above the ground and the tree tops.
Closing her eyes, she imagined that she left without looking back, disappearing into the streaks of tired autumn sunlight.

Footprints on grains of California sand strayed out to the glassy ocean, ready to be torn into.
A girl looked at the horizon, and swam until her arms started to ache and the saltwater blurred her vision.
She was convinced that if she kept going for long enough, she could reach the edge of the earth and find all of its treasured secrets.
Closing her eyes, she imagined that she left without looking back, disappearing into the crescent waves set on fire by the blinding summer sun.

Buildings that were lifetimes old stood the way they always had, with ancient stories dying to be told to restless hearts.
A girl gazed up at them, standing perfectly next to each other, and climbed winding stairwells until she lost count of the steps she'd taken and floors she'd passed.
She kept going for what seemed like forever, until she reached the very edge of the rooftop, looking out into a sea of people and cars and concrete, more fascinating that she could have ever imagined.
Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply and stared into the black sky, with dazzling white stars and blaring city lights. She disappeared into the cold winter night.

Untitled

As I toss and turn, tangled between ivory sheets and untouched thoughts, I wander in and out of what is real and what is imagined. Moments stained with colors and feelings that go deep to the bone. The dark black sky eases into a dim-lit morning, promising everything while forgetting nothing. I am a dreamer who does not sleep.

I touch your rough face with my soft hands, and as we breathe each other in, I lose myself. Somewhere inside of you I have disappeared. As my heart races and my blood rushes, I am fearless yet afraid of your every move. A simple look or a single word could strip me of every feeling I have. I am a lover who cannot love.

Sunlight slid across city streets, as I watched all that was grey turn to gold. The cerulean sky waited patiently for eyes to notice that it had, in fact, been blue all along. Crystal clouds swirled and danced with the wind. The world did not need any music that day. I've tried to re-create it but it was far too beautiful to remember perfectly. I am an artist who cannot paint.

And I want to tell you everything, so one day you will know that what we had existed, that we were both real and alive and together. That when you speak, everything else drops into silence. That when you smile, the sun shines brighter. That when you are beside me, clocks stop moving and souls stop shaking. I've written many letters in my head, in black calligraphy on old paper rolled up and tied with silk ribbons. You could keep them for a rainy day, a day that you might not feel whole and hopeful. But I am a writer who cannot write, while you are an optimist who cannot hope.

One day I will become who I am. One day we will get it right the first time. One day.

The World We Left Behind

Paths crossed and followed and forgotten

Laying in dust with faded photographic memories

Letters never written and bodies never touched

Only in daydreams did we leave stories behind

They let go of themselves and became the past

Waiting patiently for us to go back in time

And smile the way we used to when we didn't worry

Now we are ill with weight of the world on our shoulders

It is up to you and I to determine how to let go

To be heavy-hearted yet light as air

I can see clear bare skies ahead

Begging us to reach up 

You can't have your feet on the ground

If your head is in the clouds

I don't think we ever belonged here anyway

Blank

I am hungry

for 

inspiration

nothing but

a 

blank

canvas

dying to be made

into a work of art

The Words We All Need To Hear

Everything is going to be all right. You are so beautiful. Astounding. You steal the breath from every single person in every room when you walk through the door. You are one of a kind. Nobody could ever do the things that you do, in the way that you do them. You've impacted people's lives in ways that you can't comprehend. You will never be forgotten. People will talk about you for years to come. Things are going to get better. You might not think so, but they will. You have the power to do anything you want to do. Anything at all. Don't let them get to you. Don't try to please them. If they can't accept you for who you are, then you never will. If you want something, reach out and grab it. Take it and run with it and never let go. You deserve every second of happiness that you feel. You are you, and nobody can change that. Please don't forget this.

The Ghost of The Past

Time stopped with you
I forgive you for not listening
They weren't saying important things anyway
You knew how to turn the day around
And how to make the end of something
Feel like the beginning of everything else
It was you all along
Lighting up the sky each day
Competing with the sun
And when I didn't have the answers
You'd know exactly what to say
You read the thoughts in my head
Troubled or at ease
Perhaps you were just too much
For one wandering soul to handle
Do you remember everything vividly?
I can still feel the wind in my hair
With nothing but the world at our backs
In the wake of simplicity
We knew we could never return
To that moment we wanted to keep forever
Faded photographs do no justice
To the revelation of ourselves
Becoming who we were supposed to be
We broke our own hearts, did you see it coming?
You who could predict the future
And all the things it would leave behind
As we each breathe different air
From skies miles apart
Do your senses get tricked like mine do?
Sometimes I think I hear your voice
Telling me not to get ahead of myself
To slow down and let the world turn on its own
Sometimes I swear I breathe your scent
On pillowcases that miss you almost as desperately as I do
I can still feel your lips on the back of my neck
Begging me to fall asleep
As shivers trickle down my spine
If there are no such thing as second chances
Then I'm afraid I don't know what I'm waiting for
You said it right the first time
Shouting at a trembling echo, "You never know what you're missing until it's gone"

Growth

And you can spend your life counting down, waiting for the right moment for all of your desires to be fulfilled. You can stumble back upon the steps of our past, as you become blinded by all of the mistakes you  never saw coming. They hurt me then but they'll shatter you now. How you were so numb while every sense within me shook, I will never know or understand. You traced parts of me that you'll never be able to create again, as your bed lies empty like the deepest parts of your soul. We were never right were we? I knew it all along but could never say it aloud, while every piece of me was aching and every part of you was elsewhere. I was much too young and you were much too oblivious. I would never be who I am now if it weren't for you. You showed me what it was to have trust thrown into the darkness, echoing until it became a faint cry for help unanswered. You wore me down until I was weaker than a shadow, broken until I hit the ground and could only look upward. It was because of you that I became nothing, and because of me that I became everything. I took the opportunity to embark upon a journey of self-discovery, answering to nothing but my own beating heart and free will. I shed a thousand skins, going in and out of hatred and love simultaneously. Hot as fire and cold as the night, I became many different versions of myself. I could never have dreaded or dreamed the things I've come across. Life is full of so many curses and so many blessings, to each their own. Signs and stories and years of words unspoken and screamed and I'm still here. I'm still here.

Make A Difference.

All it takes is one sentence, one smile, one word to make somebody's day.

All it takes is one person, one soul to give yours the missing piece.

All it takes is one moment, one instant to change an entire lifetime.

All it takes is you and I and everyone else, to change the world. One person, one smile, and one moment at a time.

If Not Now, Not Ever

To shine, To dim
To rise, To fall
To succeed, To suffer
To love, To lose
To come out, To cower
To listen, To watch
To breathe, To be breathless
To take advantage, To refrain
To remember, To forget
To move forward, To stand still
To feel, To be numb
To build a path, To follow
To become yourself, To become a shadow
To look behind, To look ahead
To live or To simply exist

The entire world is watching.
The entire world is waiting.

Time belongs to only you.

(Don't Cry For Me)

You once were a stranger

            I wished to know.

Now you are a stranger 

           I felt I used to know.

"Kill the things you love", she said, "before they kill you".

What Dreams May Die

you try so hard
to fit the world
in the palm of your hand
now i know what you meant
when you said
"i'd like to change it all someday
we could have everything our way"
as you drifted into sleep
i watched you disappear

so breathe deeply
your heart is heavy
you need me like i need you
if only you could see you
the way that i do
the way that i do

i try so hard
to fit my thoughts
onto a sheet of paper
i don't know what i meant
when i said
"one day i'll pay the bills with this pen
and we'll never be sleepless or hungry again"
as i drifted into the dark
i think i disappeared

i breathe deeply
my heart is heavy
i need you like you need me
if only you could see me
the way that i do
the way that i used to

The Ground Is White

"It's snowing", he said.

I lifted my head, and although my eyes were blurred with sleep, all I could see was a blanket of white. Quiet crystals fell from the sky at a leisurely pace, taking their time to settle into the cold streets. The city was all dressed up in the first snowfall of the year...the rooftops below us, the fire escape, the branches of the trees in Tompkins Square Park. Windows that once reflected morning sunlight were crisp and clear. There was a tranquility in the air that I had never felt before. The only sound I could hear was the gentle hum of January wind. The brightness reflected on my transparent winter skin, as his hand traced my neck he moved down to kiss my bare chest. His palm pressed against my hip bone and his fingertips reached the small of my back. The bed was warm and our bodies radiated enough heat to enjoy the cold wind blowing in from the window.


This is going to be a good year, I thought.

Piece of Mind. Peace of Mind. (III)

Perhaps we can all admit...

That the world is most compelling when we aren't scrutinizing its every turn. That the wisest of words are not always spoken whilst giving advice. That the most precious moments occur when we aren't keeping track of time. That we might learn more from our mistakes than we do from our success. That the past is no longer with us and the future does not quite exist. That losing our way is not as frightening as it may sound. That speaking the truth is much more difficult than telling a lie. That acceptance is far more rewarding than regret. That love is just as strong as hate. That hate is just as weakening as love. That luck can turn around in one single moment. That no one knows you better than you know yourself. That getting what you want depends solely on the fact of how badly you want it. That there is no greater hope than tomorrow, and no greater strength than today. That life is worth both living and dying for.

Peace of Mind I

Peace of Mind II

Sepia

She wanders the desolate streets alone
Chilling winds muted by the need to fill
An empty bed, a place to lay her troubled head
Restless as the moon hanging high in the black sky
"No stars are out tonight", she said
Fixated on the ground she didn't look to see
Nervous hands trembling to light a match
City lights glowing, reflecting in her eyes
Steadily, she inhales and exhales in slow motion
Surroundings start to swirl and blend
To pretend would be an understatement
A girl so successful at living a lie
That she became as blind as a silhouette
Disappearing into a comforting oblivion
False words wrapped up in a half-hearted smile
"Lay lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed",
Perhaps she'd stay, stay for a while
Until the record stopped revolving
The needle like a scribe to the music of her heart
Lost in the dim lights of a speak easy
Speechless and a bit gone
She counted the hours until daylight
Where she could not face the sun
It only reminded her of colors
That had lost their meaning
Beauty bleeding into a sea of questions
Unanswered

Yesterday

We were just kids


Compared to who we are now


Young hearts and old souls


Ill-prepared for what stood ahead


But strong enough to bear through


I didn't know much about you 


But your amber eyes told a familiar story


For a brief moment I knew your name


Your troubles buried deep inside


I watched as your long fingers


Danced upon jaded guitar strings


Your olive skin and chocolate brown hair


Glimmered in the warm southern California sun


Where you are now I do not know


From coast to coast I still remember


The summer before my life began


I was lost out in some blinding place


While you were sinking in the dark


I was like a blank canvas


Searching for all of the right answers


In all of the wrong places


While you followed your path


Leading up to the sky


I stayed here on earth


And if we meet again sometime


I'll look at you and smile


They didn't understand


That you were the real thing babe


You were the real thing.

The Curse of The Dreamers

Knowledge, curiosity, and hope can be a curse. There is no telling how strong the human mind can be, capable of things some people would not even want to try and comprehend. For us, life is like an open window, full of endless possibilities and opportunities we can only hope to grasp half of. We know that we can't have it all, but we certainly want everything. This desire for life, for wisdom, for experience is piercing...it goes deep to the bone. But confined to the ground and the earth, we know that we'll forever stare up at stars we can't touch. Why is it that we only wish upon the intangible? We want the best of the best, an ecstasy like nothing else. This causes us to live in a state of endless dissatisfaction. Happiness is different, it exists, in moments and in feelings. Contentment is settling. Satisfaction is unattainable. So we must learn to live with it, and we understand it and accept it. Being in touch with this gives us the power to grab on to our surroundings, to create memories, to learn things every single day. Sometimes we fail to do this. We are so involved with these compressed emotions, this internal warfare that we forget to take in what the world around us has to show us, to teach us. We must not be so inside our heads all of the time. Taking on the day with open eyes and an open mind can leave room for the unforgettable. This is seamless, this can belong to us. We live moment to moment, and the present is all there will ever be.

(the carelessness of all things meaningful)

perhaps i'm in the middle of when time stops and starts so weak but understanding of those moments we chose to part and if minds could just collide well then i think we'd all be doomed damned inside this fucked up capsule like a body in a tomb so you say it's all a game well i think it's so much more if not then why give a damn what it is we came here for and if you want the unattainable then why even stay here so paralyzed by 'what ifs' that you live in constant fear so you think you've got it figured out as if you're here to stay and if i'm just too much to handle feel free to walk away you don't know me or the things i passed by in those darker days well there was a point in time where i thought i had things right my mind resting upon vivid dreams fading beautifully out of sight and you can try with all your strength to make a difference on this earth even if you're blessed a genius it's just a fucking curse flaunting echoes as empty as that hole inside your chest forgive me for thinking you were better than the rest well me i'm just the same my heart is cold as ice i can't be hurt or touched and i won't make the same mistake twice perhaps i'll just dive into the furthest thing from what is real so long as i can stay this numb and never have to feel

Almost and Never

We're not so different, you and I
Although we hail from separate worlds
We walk on the same solid ground
With feet weighed down by trembling bodies
Fearless passion growing stronger
And don't we gaze at the same sky?
The setting sun and countless stars?
No we're not much different, you and I.

Well you cannot change an elder soul
Or try to tame a wild heart
Nor spin the earth in its reverse
We aren't so distant, you and me
Although we swam in separate seas
The horizon looked the same
Nothing was too far from reach
No we're not so distant, you and me.

So if you wish to stay in your place
This place I simply cannot find
Well that would be alright
Deaf to things that can't be said
Blind to what is out of sight
If dear, you can't escape your head
Then you'll never have to wonder why
We weren't so perfect, you and I.

S.O.S.

I can't walk another step without telling the world a story. My lungs are filled with too much air. My heart is raging with too much blood. My head is filled with too many thoughts, too many visions, too many scenarios that never were. My eyes can't keep filling up with tears if I refuse to let them spill over the edge. I read too many people's thoughts, I feel too many people's heartaches. I can no longer see into the future or revel in the past.

I want to scream into a pillow for hours. I want to cry until I fall asleep. I want to climb a mountain and yell so loud that no one can hear me. I want to write a novel so compelling that it could turn a sinner into a saint. I want to love so deeply that I cannot breathe again. I want to feel all these things building up inside me, choking me to death.

But they stay inside, they torture me, so I exist in a constant state of sensory overload. That is why I'm here, so you can share this with me.

The In-Between

What is it that you want?

What is it that keeps you alive?

What is it that you care about the most?

What is it that keeps you awake at night?

What is it that gives you hope?

What is it that consumes your dreams?

What is it that keeps you sane?

What is it that drives you crazy?

It's the little things. 

The things that escape too quickly. 

And if I had all the answers, I'd be dead by now.

Diary of A Waitress

bankers and lawyers

entrepreneurs and men in finance

all they see is green

green green green

with credit cards

heavier than my breakfast

and weekly bank statements

greater than my yearly wages

all they do is consume

and talk about money 

more money

more more more

i think they live in a different dimension 

in a different world

they see me as as a servant

and not a person 

but that's okay

these men pay my bills

and new york city

has them by the balls

while i am as free as a songbird

Never Again

My restless spine lies on words never spoken
Time wasted with broken clocks
Time that we never had to begin with
Tomorrow comes too quickly
Yesterday seems a lifetime away
Waiting hopelessly
For some break in the clouds
Some whisper in the wind
To tell us we're stumbling in the right direction
Always on the verge of hitting the edge
Where ever that may lie
My identity swept away from beneath me
So I'm lost and now I have everything to learn
Trying to catch up from an eternity of mistakes
Of treachery and deceit so paralyzing
That it is difficult to move again
So tear away these layers of mistrust and doubt
Until I'm stripped down bare
Free of pre-conceived notions and biased opinions
So I can embrace the world around me
And breathe the air that was meant to keep me alive

About A Girl

She held onto each word she spoke about a second later than most people did. As if you weren't captivated enough by her looks alone, she drew you in without contemplation as to why or how. She gracefully walked down the street at a flowing steady pace, passing you by effortlessly with an eighty-five percent success rate of double takes. Her chocolate brown hair cascaded down her thin back, that you caught yourself wishing you were at the other side of, simply to memorize the bone structure of her youthful and symmetrical face. She made you feel incompetent yet wanted. Beautiful yet plain. At the top of the world yet second place. She was a girl who, on the darkest of days, helped you enjoy the faintest of light...striving for anything that was slightly unattainable. She made you want to expand your vocabulary, give the last of your cash to a beggar, give a lost soul directions to the nearest bar. You could never justify your actions with reason, just on a whim of intuition. You see her every day...reading on the subway, walking past a window, exiting the elevator while you're walking in. You always wonder what your day would have been like had you done these things mere seconds before or after you actually did. As if it was some sort of fate, this stranger crossing your path, inspiring you to do more than you could have ever done consuming the city's best coffee after a full night of sleep. If only you could have prepared yourself for these almost encounters, slipping from your fingertips and all of a sudden becoming lifetimes away.

The Key

Temperate clouds rushed across the faint October sky. I could lay here for hours, waiting for something that might never come. Because today, I don't need anything at all. Everything I've wanted is right here right now, in this solitary moment of all things coming together at the right time. I didn't ask for this, I only hoped for this. My feet have stepped on stones and streets, I could walk for hours and learn more in a day that I could in a year someplace else. All this time I've been searching for my heart, and who knew it would be right here, restless and eager to jump back into my chest. It's relieving to have found a destination. I'll be here a while. The leaves are changing colors, they've grown tired of being perfect in the blinding light of summer. Autumn is blooming and change is in the air. We really don't need much at all, do we?

Sing Me To...

If I could dream with a mind as beautiful as yours, I could sleep forever.

Con Fu Sion

So maybe this world was built for you to destroy

To break down to every single solitary detail

Until it becomes nothing at all.

Maybe they say the sky is blue

Just so you can hate it

When it turns pink or gray or black.

And perhaps love is just a word

We use to make ourselves feel whole

When we are as empty as a cage.

As if uncertainty was the only answer

To all of life's concerning questions

As simple as could be.

Up and down and left and right

Inside out and outside in

Just as confused as we began.

Always wandering so desperately

Lost on the outskirts of reality

As quick as death should be.

Well strong the mind

So weak the heart

You chose the end 

Right from the start.

Youth

When the shadows of our souls begin to chase who we once were

Long ago, lifetimes ago, when we wandered the streets without a care

We noticed the little things that were never harmful

Never grasping how big the world was and how small we were

It was then that we were happy but didn't know it

Oblivious to the sorrows that drowned the others around us

Blind to the things that were too complicated to understand

And here we are now, clinging onto memories that hardly existed

Wishing for a moment that we could return to these former selves

Free from pain, regret, remorse, and heartbreak

There were no scratches or scars or doubts

We have become jaded no matter how hard we try not to be

Craving the one thing that can never be restored

Innocence, purity, and naivety

It is fragile, like porcelain sitting on a high shelf

Meant to be seen, never touched

But someone always does, and it falls to the ground

Shattering into a thousand pieces that can't be glued back together

No matter how hard you try to make it whole again

Regardless of how precisely and perfectly you place the pieces 

The broken eyes become glazed over with a different view on life

So we have these remnants of who we once were

And these ideas of who we have become

We try to regain whole feelings with half a heart

To revive our youthful, unvintageable spirits

Wandering in the dark, waiting to be saved

Well we can find the will to live a life unknown

To soak in every bit of sunshine and light the way of self-discovery

We can become new 

Again

The Things That Keep You Up At Night

It's difficult to have peace of mind when the world is so tragically broken.

If only we could save it.

The Catch

The most common dream of man kind is to live the life that he desires. The only problem lies in the fact that most don't know what that is. Which leads to society's biggest misunderstanding...the belief that knowing what one wants is of the utmost importance. That this is a decision that somehow needs to be made at a certain point in one's life, to determine the outcome of their success. No one should ever commit to one type of life to live, one certain role to play, one certain way to be. If this happens, where does room for growth exist?

Wanderlust

http://inspirethedreamers.tumblr.com

Life In Layers

I like to think of life in layers
A never-ending story
To unravel
Piece by piece
Sometimes you have to rip
Each one off
Fast and clean
Sometimes you need to go
Slow
Pulling each one gently
Carefully
Until it falls off onto the ground
And sometimes
In rare moments
Of serendipity
The next layer reveals itself
And all that effort you put in
Before
All those times you tried
So hard
It was never as breathtaking
As this one
When things are just right
Not perfect
Because perfect doesn't last

Things are just right

That will do

Happiness

The sunlight leaped through the clouds
It has been far too long
Since I've seen my own face
My body too small to contain
All of the ecstasy flowing inside
I am alive
and
I'm twice the person
I was before

It feels good to see the light

Loss and Longing

I've seen men and women on the streets
Who gave up long ago
Skin scraping on aching bones
With no hope to find a home
I speak not of the beggars
They still have hope to be shared
Like the man with the tin half full of coins
Asking for some change to be spared
He just wants to buy a drink
So he can stay sane
And a cigarette to ease the pain
Or the boy with the open guitar case
Full of dollar bills
Playing six strings seven days a week
He just needs a stage and some time to kill
What I speak of is the people you don't see
Sleeping on subways with no destination
They don't dream anymore
In a constant state of deterioration
No roof above and no place to stay
Slowly dying with each passing day
I've seen darkness at its darkest
Putrid corners of empty buildings
Stories left behind that no one would want to know
I've seen people become addicted
Things meant to be enjoyable
Become a weapon of torture
I've seen bloodless battles
Far more gut-wrenching than war
Where sex and drugs and desperation
Kill people from the inside out
No matter who they were before
You see it in their eyes first
Pure existence an endless curse
Nightmares while they're asleep
But reality is far far worse
I've heard screams that crackle spines
And cries that surge blood through veins
Whimpering so loud it's deafening
Wrists with scars that won't heal
Hearts blackened and souls sucked dry
So next time you open your mouth to sigh
Be thankful you don't have the devil at your side

You Don't Know What Blue Is

he was laying on a blanket

in a room full of

scattered records

empty bottles

and

empty souls

he stared at the ceiling

his eyes were full

of complex thoughts

no windows

just walls

his fingernails 

scraped guitar strings

old and rusted

playing sounds that seemed

from an older time

a better time

everything was slightly

out of tune

i liked it that way

those creaking sounds

turned into something

beautiful

if i heard it years from now

i'd still remember

the candle burned

flickered

it made me comfortable

as i slid beside him

i looked at the ceiling

trying to 

find

what is was that he saw

but i think it was 

somewhere deep inside

hidden

it hurt me to listen 

to those words

to the humming

the tapping of his foot

against the wood floor

it brought tears to my eyes

the fire was

burning

blue and red and orange

it was warm

but i felt cold 

the winter waited outside

screaming

damning us 

to well whiskey

alone with our thoughts

sometimes

they're too much to bear

but all that 

pain

it was real

i felt alive

and on that 

cold december night

i fell

in love with a feeling.

Aftermath

I have walls up
for a reason

thank you
for
reminding me
why
I should never
let them down

The Comeback

Truly underestimated is one who is pushed over the edge but does not fall. One who bends but does not break. The silent one. The stubborn one. The blue in the fire. The whisper in the wind. The one in the very back. Observing. Learning. Planning.

The one you were always worried about.

You should have turned around.

The Bad Days

Spinning in circles and running in place
Holding in tears I can't shed
Thoughts drifting through empty space
Resisting this torrent inside of my head

Just yesterday I felt so well
Now I'm drowned with concern
Lost inside some private hell
Dreaming of a safe return

If my soul could catch fire
I'd watch from a distance
As these realms of desire
Met the fear of persistance

The question of reason
Is haunting me to death
Choking on treason
Take one last deep breath

I don't know up from down
Or the sky from the ground
Nor the poison from the air
Now I've lost the will to care

Higher

This mirror isn't working

I have no reflection

The sun is high in the sky

But I have no shadow

I put my palm on my chest

I don't feel a beat

I watch the sun rise

Wondering if I'll ever sleep

I miss nothing

Wanderlust is addicting

Am I living or just existing?

If I disappeared tomorrow

It might not make a difference

As transparent as a ghost

Hollow and empty

Some days are beautiful

Others seem endless

Yesterday I was strong

Today I feel defenseless

Home is what you make it

This is where I belong

I won't be pushed away

My body can tire

My spirits can crumble

But my ambition can't be touched

I came here for a reason

I will not leave until I am as solid as the streets beneath my feet

The Chase

I could smile, flip my hair, say witty things and turn away. I could dress in my Sunday's best for days on end. I could make all of the right moves, do all of the things I was told to, all of the things that could lead you in the right direction. I could care about all the twisting of words, tongue-tied and irresistible. I could paint you a picture with my descriptions, tell you a story with my eyes, make your hair stand on end. I could be pretty and fill your head with the trailing scent of desire. I could drive you mad and bend the rules, while following all the steps toward achieving a perfect lustful facade, filled with impatience and all of the wrong intentions for the right things. I could give you everything, if you just convince me...

The Rival of The Standard

No dream too big nor thought too small
The sky set fire the way we meant it to
Well strong the mind and weak the heart
The way that life intended to
And if death walks the way you do
At least I'll go in style
Outstretched arms and clinging hands
We made it worth the while

Well time is not a countdown
Tomorrow is not a threat
What a challenge it is we face
To live life without regret
I've stared at the other side of town
I'm sure it's just the same
What souls have drowned in this attempt
To play society's twisted game

That heavy burden you choose to carry
One day it will bring you down
And you'll be chained to your own deadlines
When you feel the need to escape this town
The strive for perfection could drive you insane
Don't let something else pass you by
Such an expert at the art of being abstained
Well there isn't much fun in being refrained

So we ask ourselves the things we can do
To have two feet planted on solid ground
So our peers can give us a pat on the back
And say something counterfeit but profound
Not too long ago I made a decision
To live life on a whim of free will
And though you won't understand this vision
I'll have my last laugh while you're standing still

The 3 Year Transition

The chain of events, not driven by time but subconscious choices. Now I am here, in the right place, and time has no choice but to be on my side.

What it's worth

The measure of man is not  necessarily whether or not he fails or succeeds, but that he tries his best.

The Other You

We're closer when we're at a distance

The slightest touch is too much to handle

You and I, we have our walls

No good-willed force could bring them down

But you could walk right through

If you only knew the rules I broke for you

You didn't hear the words I spoke to you

While we were fast asleep

Halfway dying in our dreams

Maybe someday you could be me 

To finally understand 

Why I haven't let you go

To show you the things you wanted to know

The things that I'll never tell

And maybe it could have worked

In another lifetime less tragic and cursed

Maybe the other you is waiting 

Somewhere for another me

To go to those places we'll never get to see

To be those people we always wanted to be

Hopelessly and desperately 

Wearing our hearts on our sleeve

No scars and no regrets

So raise your glass to the other you and I

The ones that weren't too cowardly to give love a try

Quicksand

Sometimes things don't make sense. They're difficult, they're destructive, and they're intimidating. But sometimes they're there for a reason. And if you feel like there is some purpose in fighting, some purpose in pushing, some test of the soul being performed...then keep going. You are meant to be here.

Essential

"Always have something to look forward to."


No matter how big, or how small. It keeps us going. It gives us hope. We need these things sometimes. If the present is overbearing, we can turn to the past to make us smile. That is what our memories are for. We can look into the future, we can dream. That is what our imagination is for.

The Next Chapter

When life changes in a matter of hours. Yesterday is no longer the past, but history. When the sun goes down quietly, and the stars breathe in the dead of night. When the world stops and starts to spin in reverse. When everything that used to matter becomes insignificant. When old friends are missed greatly and new friends are welcome with open arms. When everything progresses in slow motion, but passes by in an instant. Where footprints are left behind and shadows disappear. Where stories are made and love is never forgotten.

This is life being lived, novels being written, tears being cried, hearts growing, and fears thriving. This is the end of the beginning. And the beginning of everything. 

Release

GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

The sky is beautiful...but don't go telling everyone

Time takes the clarity of things away, as memories slip through our fingertips. Just as I realize they're escaping, they're gone for good. The photographs start to fade, the words grow quiet, the vision becomes unclear. Is this what dying is? Forgetting the things we live for? I once loved so much, with such strength, that it was impossible to describe. It was fierce, passionate, breathtaking. It could have put out the fire of the sun, drained all the ocean from the earth, torn all the stars from the sky. But it doesn't exist anymore. Where does it all go? The love, the hate, the regret, the sorrow, the joy, the desire? Do we just add these feelings to our collection of failed causes? I once believed so whole-heartedly, truly, deeply, that my dreams were so vivid they were almost blinding. Now I struggle to see them. It's as though everything has come to some dull dead end. My heart doesn't jump, it doesn't flutter, it doesn't sink...sometimes I put my hand under my breast just to see if it's even beating. So what does it take to feel alive again? Is it a moment, a person, a feeling? It's similar to walking forever, lost, trying to find a way home. I feel like I've been walking and wandering for so long that I've forgotten where I was headed. I'm just trudging forward because my body tells me to. I need that surge of energy, that spike in my vein, that fire in my heart again. I'm almost numb to the bone. My surroundings have become a greyscale...no saturated colors, no black and white. Just a bleak and solemn overtone. I need to feel alive again, to feel excitement, joy, pain, something, anything. This nothing just won't do anymore.

Fare Thee Well

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as his lips gently pressed on her forehead. She knew this was the last moment she would feel safe for quite some time. Her emerald eyes started to burn, her throat started to tighten. But she fought it off...if there was one thing she was good at, it was swallowing her emotions and putting on a smile.
"Off you go, darlin'. You know I'm not keen on goodbyes."
She placed her hands on his cheeks, and then traced his collarbone, trying to take note of everything. His scent, his soft skin, his voice. Her heart was pounding and her legs were shaking like two teetering towers in the wind.
"See you soon", she whispered. But she knew it wasn't true.

It was one of those scenes in life like a movie...everything was saturated with the golden light of dusk, the air was warm and everything seemed to be playing in slow motion. With great risk comes great sacrifice. There are certain times in life that you can sense change, the earth is shattered and an entirely different layer is revealed. It's frightening, it's exciting, and it's fucking beautiful. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

mdh

Always young, always gold, you never fade away

Here to stay, to destroy the things that get in your way

I was never one to talk, never one to share

Stripped down bare and breathless, hungry and restless

Just the way you like it

But we're just kids we don't want to grow old

Never did what we were told but here we are now

Wondering what the hell this life is about

Lost as ever 

Lost inside forever

Trying not to look back so we look ahead

Staring into the eyes of the future instead

Well we could change the world if we wanted

Maybe we're just too scared

Too fucked up or unprepared

But you don't see yourself like I do

Your mirror not as keen as my eyes

No more drugs and no disguise

You're really something dear

No more fear and no excuses

Let's conquer this life before we lose it

XI

I ripped through every single page, through the preface and the epilogue. I searched through history books and websites. I listened to the songs, over and over again, until i knew all the words, all the twists and turns, all the secrets. I depicted the drawings on the wall, the faded photographs, the letters never sealed and never sent. I walked back and forth, to the edge of the earth, to the end of the road, to the corners of the sky. I asked every question, peered into every soul, borrowed every dream. All the memories, fears, and hopes became a part of me. I was pulled in every direction, torn between each path, spinning in circles and walking a tightrope. I experienced every rock bottom, every tip top, and everything in the middle, trying to find an answer. Then I realized it was buried deep inside of me, and no impatient digging, soul-searching, or magic lamp was going to reveal it. I saw that the answer was in all of these things, but I was too busy trying to find it to appreciate what they were trying to tell me. So I learned to be patient, I learned to breathe, and I learned to listen. It's not about finding something that is hidden, but discovering something that is right in front of you.

Lightly

No need to rush, better to wait
Real like those scars on your chest
Listen to fear, it's stronger than hate
You're all talk, just like the rest
While my Sunday's worst
Is your Sunday's best
I can walk away just like you
Just like I'm someone new
So it all comes down to what?
Running around in circles again
No start and no end
Just one big waste of time
Lost the need to pretend
Turned that water into wine
And drank till it was dry
But you're no better
You're much worse
Nothing but a disarming curse
Your charm contagiously adverse
So take it for all it's worth
One day you won't be so tough
One day it won't be enough

Lessons

The other day, I participated in a much-dreaded trip to the coin laundromat. We went to a restaurant next door to pass the time. I didn't want to go, and the food was nowhere near satisfactory. But I love to people watch(and listen). There was a woman at a table with her two little girls. The older of the sisters asked her mother: "Mom, everyone says that the world is going to end in 2012. I'm scared." The woman pulled her daughter's hair back, and kissed her forhead. "Baby, there's no point in worrying about things we have no control over." I didn't expect to learn anything in that short amount of time. Sometimes the world just pulls you in and forces you to pay attention.

The Effort

I may drink too much

I may think too much

I may be too much

to handle

sometimes

but




I'd like you to try.

The Alternative

You will lose your way.

Your heart will be broken, many times.

You will endure an immense amount of pain.

You will fail.

You will fall.

You will die.

(But you will find a new path.)

(But you will become an artist sewing it back together.)

(But one taste of happiness will make up for it all.)

(But you will learn.)

(But you will pull yourself up again.)

(But you will live.)

The Realist and The Dreamer

I search for you all the time. In my dreams. In my waking life. Around every corner I turn. Every coffee shop I walk into. Every bar I order a drink at. At the bottom of every bottle. At the turn of every page. At the end of every letter. At the top of every mountain. At the deepest of all the valleys. At the end of every winding road. At the darkest part of the sea.

I listen for you. In the bridge of every song. In the ring of every phone call. In the weeping of the wind. In the breath of every glistening star. In the crash of every wave. In the pain of every sob. In the joy of every laugh. In the fury of every scream.

I wait for you. At the setting of every sundown. At the break of every dawn. At the change of every season. After everyone else has gone.

You're out there somewhere...I know you are.

My artist. My muse.

.

Love with your whole heart.

Never be sorry.

E. Smith Wasn't So Crazy After All

My heart is slowly breaking. Little by little. Day by day. It's like the weak blade of a dull knife, not slicing into my chest, but sawing. Not an instant, sharp pain, but one that gets worse by the minute because I know that it won't end soon or abruptly. And I can see it happening right in front of me, right before me...it doesn't take me by surprise. This is a time I pray for ignorance because perhaps if I didn't think so much, or observe every little detail, then I would not feel so deeply. It's a curse. But I wouldn't want it any other way. And someday, this might be the death of me.

Piece of Mind. Peace of Mind. (II)

After years of ups and downs, I have come to discover that losing yourself is just as important as finding yourself. That the harder we try to make an impression, the less we actually do. I have learned that you either have it, or you don't. That confidence is more important than what you are saying or wearing. That the best-looking is not always the greatest catch. I have learned that everything should be written in pen, and drawn in pencil. I have learned that true love does not fade away. That the faster you dive into a relationship, the faster it ends. I have learned that there is no cure to heartache, but the company of friends, chocolate, and wine make it easier to cope with. I have learned that stressing about things you have no control over is a waste of time. That friends and family are more important than anyone else. That mothers are always right. I have learned that trying to be something you are not is like swimming against a current. I  have learned that rest, eating proper meals, and drinking enough water really are the key a healthy lifestyle. I have learned that anger and instability should never be mixed with alcohol. I have learned that life is unforgiving, but the best way to deal with it is to accept it, and make the best of what you have. I have learned that no matter how bad things get, they can always get worse. That we will never have all of the answers, and perhaps we do not need them. I have learned to hope for the best, but never expect it. That yelling may get people's attention, but it does not get the point across. I have learned that nothing is good in excess. I have learned that walking is always better than driving, and that getting out is always better than staying in. I have learned that receiving a letter means more than receiving an e-mail, that getting a phone call means more than getting a text message, that flipping through a magazine has more of an impact than clicking a button, that holding a photo means more than seeing it in pixels, and that the tangible things in life are the only things that can become a part of our history. And if that is all we have, that is enough. What do you have to show for?

Piece of Mind. Peace of Mind (I)

In Transition

The wait is killing me. I can feel it. I can taste it. But it seems so distant and intangible at the same time. I feel trapped here. These next two weeks will be difficult. Everything is temporary. You must be out of your element in order to shine shine shine. Once I move down south I can breath. Deeply. Reflect. Plan. Become healthy again. And then I am going to take a giant leap into a completely different life. A life that I tasted, briefly, twice. And you better believe that I'm scared senseless, but I'll savor every second of it.

Best Coast

My head is clear and my heart is steady

I've been here far too long

I've gained so much but I know I'm ready

To sing a different song

A song full of colors and seasons 

Subways and sidewalk displays

Each rhyme with its own reason

Skyscrapers and yellow cars

A banker in stride with a fashionista 

A mad hatter sitting next to Mona Lisa

A sinner shares a ride with a saint

A dancer holding hands with a poet

This is New York City and you know it

I'm sick of the who's who and the glitz

The orange tans and rock hard tits

I may be judgemental but I need to go

If not I might not ever know

The East coast is screaming my name

I have no choice but to answer with a smile

And pray that this be worth my while

The Things We Reach For

"Success", much like the term "perfect", is intangible. Those who speak of it will most likely not ever achieve it. If you truly put every ounce of passion and every bead of sweat into what you do, the rest will follow. If you spend your whole life with your eye on one thing, you are being unrealistic. It's not about order, clarity, or planning...it's about losing yourself. Do not obsess over all of the imperfections...embrace them. Do not focus on the things that you lack, focus on the things that you have, and flaunt them. Do not dwell so much on the past, do not dream so much of the future, but open your eyes and look at the things that are right in front of you. The present is all we have, so perhaps if we just do our very best every day, then life will fulfill itself.

Alignment

Charcoal skies full of promises pouring down

Etched with desires and a scribbled list of things to be done

Sorrows unattainable and feelings unexplainable

Just trying to find a shred of the sun

Well those stars they've been hiding

And I can't keep deciding

Just which half of this war has been won

Heavy clouds hang low daring me to walk beneath

So full to the brim they might burst

Dreams untouched I hoped too much

This fate I held on to is cursed

Well that silver outline 

It's impossible to find

And I can't determine what's worse

Solid ground crumbles with each step taken

That foundation was all I had 

Falling too fast please let this last

Before I have deemed myself mad

Well the air is thick

And I'm slipping quick

Losing control isn't so bad

The Times We Forget To Breathe

There is a fine line between dreams and reality

Some of the time

We don't have to think about anything

Sometimes the world is just there

Staring us right in the face

Saying, "I'm doing my best"

All I Ever Really Wanted

It was more than you could give

More than I could take

Half asleep

Half awake

Half in love

Half in hate

Too powerless to be resistant

Too careless to be persistent

You were here but you were gone

I never needed stability

I only needed closure

You took it all away

Having nothing at all is invigorating

Walking on air

Tip-toeing on the edge of a dream

Weightless and bare

If only you could see me now

Escape is under rated

Fading away into the light

Blind with ecstasy 

Sleeping on a sea of clouds

Dreaming in velvet and crimson

I forgot what it was like to know

So today, I let the world go

The concept of More

Someone who writes the songs (doesn't just play them).

Someone who means the words (doesn't just say them).

Someone who leaves (doesn't just walk away).

Someone who searches (doesn't just look).

Someone who gives (doesn't just need).

Someone who begs (doesn't just plead).

Someone who screams (doesn't just yell).

Someone who explains (doesn't just tell).

Someone who embraces (doesn't just hold).

Someone who lives (doesn't just exist).

Someone with a soul (not just a heart).

Last Night's Makeup

Another morning gone to waste

Because of a night filled with mistakes

Cheap drinks and bad taste

You had me at goodbye

As you walk away I follow the lead

To all of your beautiful lies

I never truly had you

And know I never will

I wish it wasn't true

But I'm addicted to the thrill

I cannot moderate your heart

I can't control my own free will

When you look at me the world stands still

And slowly starts to spin in reverse

You turn everything upside down

And everything I touch is cursed

My drink is half empty 

I try to leave

But you grab my hand and it's the death of me

So we stay up all night and I have no control

I lose myself with you

We finally fall asleep and I dream for hours

And in the morning I struggle to wake up

To the absence of your scent and last night's makeup

I will. I promise.

We were better than that.

We were better than all the roses, the chocolate, the jewelry, the gifts.

We had the sun, the stars, and each other. 

That's all we really needed. 

We were the real thing, weren't we?

You would run your fingers up and down my spine and then through my hair.

I would trace every part of your face, every inch of your body.

We breathed each other in, we became one.

So that if someday, we fell apart, our senses would never forget. 

That was a mistake. 

When I was around you, the universe was aligned perfectly.

There was no yesterday, no tomorrow.

Just now. 

Just you.

We were the real thing.

If only we could have stuck to our guns, and not have let the world get in our way.

But things started to fall out of place. 

People got in the way.

Feelings got in the way.

Time got in the way.

I went from being free to being a prisoner.

Bright eyes glazed over.

Chained to the hope that one day, things would go back to the way they used to be.

But they never did.

They only worsened.

My heart became an open wound, and you carved into it, relentlessly, every single day.

And it hurt like hell, each day less, until I became numb.

Reduced to nothing but a dull ache.

Then you came to my door, and you brought me a rose.

That was when I knew it was all over.

And a thousand thorns would feel like nothing compared to what I felt that day.

Gravity

It's almost funny how the universe works. How you can spend months and months wanting something, trying to forget, and the second you finally muster up the strength to turn your back, you run right into it again. Oh the irony of how the world spins in circles.

En Route

Stuck here for 3 more weeks. That's 21 days that I could lose my mind. 504 hours to think too much and eat too little. Too much time to wait. On an airplane looking out into the sky, gazing upon a sea of clouds, flying high above a world of pain and chaos. The sun like an amber rose, painting the white dreams into a color I can't describe, that will stain my memory for an eternity. Time stops here. I think of all the different ways my life will change in a matter of 5 days, all the people I will meet that I might not ever forget. Things I will bring back with me that will make my heart grow, and bring a whole new meaning to escaping one's own element. I could know the answer in a moment, or I could come back torn between two coastlines, two opposites that go together like black&white. Torn between the comfort of home, and the mysterious promise of a new beginning.

Impossible

I dream of a dream world, while you're up there in a cloud somewhere, living in it. But if you come back down to earth, I can show you around...and I promise it ain't that bad, babe. It ain't that bad.

They Say It's Easy

Drained a vain into a typewriter and claimed to be sane. Call me crazy but I think I enjoyed the pain.

Glow

The stars will shine brighter tonight.

And to think, all you had to do was smile.

Take me away

I don't think it's working. I'm wearing red heels and I've clicked them together 3 times. But I'm still here. 

I've walked these streets for years, and all I've found is solitude.

I’ve learned that life is unforgiving. You can fall flat on your face, and in an attempt to stand back up, you can slip and break your back. But you can look up at the sky, at the sun and the clouds, or the shape of the stars…and it can put you back on your feet. Then you can step forward, one foot after the other, until you learn to walk again. You can go anywhere you feel like going. You will meet perfect strangers that can change your life forever in an instant. You will learn things about yourself you never could have imagined. You can breathe in and out, over and over again until you realize that you aren’t just breathing, you are living. And every second you feel sorry for yourself is waste of time, because life can be anything you want it to be. Life can be as beautiful as it’s meant to be, if you just open your heart, open your mind, and open your eyes. Some may call it soul-searching, but if you don’t feel like searching for anything, you can wander until you stumble upon the verdict that there may not be an answer. And perhaps, by that time, you won’t need it anymore. Everything will fall into place. Because things don’t need to be perfect, they just need to feel right.

The best we can do is breathe

You're everything I see 

Everywhere I go

Every artist on the side of the street

Trying to sell his heart

Each writer with a pen in hand

Who doesn't know where to start

Each movement of a dancer

Spinning into a pirhouette

An empty soul walking through the park

Wondering if they still have a silhouette

Every homeless man in front of the liquor store

Asking for an extra cigarette

You're the stormcloud in the distance

Threatening to cry on me

You're the promise of persistence 

But now you're starting to die on me

You're the comfort of tomorrow

And the sadness of yesterday

The stranger that once was welcome

But so comfortable he wears his stay

You're the arrow that pierced my heart

But the angel was shooting from behind

I wasn't ready but here I stand

Trying to make the best of what I couldn't find

I didn't mean it

You mean nothing to me

You are my everything

Remind Me

Someday, we will just be stars in the sky. We will just be empty space. Someday, we will stop being nobodys and become nothing. Someday we will be stories, we will be words. Someday nobody will know what we looked like. Someday all of our pictures will fade away. Someday it will be as though we never existed. 


But we did. 


And we did it well.

Just breathe

You make all these plans, all these goals you want to achieve. All these things you will never do, because in two months, you'll change your mind. A "to-do" list that will only have half of the words crossed out. You have an vague idea, a picture in your head. Something to work towards.

You call this the future.

You have all these regrets, all these things you say you'll never do again. You know they'll be repeated. You look back, you remember everything like a silent movie playing in your head. Perfect lighting, perfect characters...if only it had a happy ending. The ending you wanted. But it didn't.

You call this the past.

Really, there is no future. There was no past. There is only the present. There is only now. For tomorrow may not come. Next summer may not come. A few years from now may not come. The truth is that the past and the future, they only make us feel nostalgic or unfulfilled. If we live for the moment, for the now, perhaps we can finally be happy.

Because the present is all there will ever be.

The End of All Things Complicated

So all I really wanted was to run away.
And for you to come with me.
No looking back.
No goodbyes.
We could look into each other's eyes.
And disappear together.

Next Time Never Comes

I've decided to stop believing in second chances. They exist only in our minds. Like some backup plan that we use to excuse ourselves from taking risks. From now on I will act on my first impulse...that might be the only thing with any meaning.

Oh yeah? Well you can go fuck yourself.

I'm the girl you put your arm around
Some prized possession you'll never know
The vanity you wouldn't let show
You'll never hold my hand
You'll never sing me to sleep
Another promise you couldn't keep
Like some sick tourist attraction
Everyone pays to watch and leave
The emptiness in a winter breeze
Desolate yet never alone
The irony that screams in your face
A good intention gone to waste
That's all you wanted, just a taste
So you'd know what you were missing
I'm the girl you thought you knew
But really, you don't have the slightest clue.

Something in the way you...

The way you move, moves me.

*

When I met you, I knew I had loved you before. Maybe in some other lifetime. Where I was a feather, and you were the wind.

this pill is too big to swallow

spin spin spinning out of control
torn up shattered and misused
you could have just thrown me away
or left me to rot
but you torture me
that's how i know you cared
because you won't stop
the look in your eyes still moves me
for a second you'll lose me
you're only hurting yourself
i've lost all sensation
no feelings
just emptiness that goes to the bone
i won't give in to your temptation

Without You

One of these days, the wind will change directions. And the earth will bring me back to you.

Let me be the first to tell you

That life shouldn't be wasted for a single second.
That you have a lot less time than you think.
That love is something that doesn't come around often.
That the money, the careers, and the success...it's not real.
That we have it all backwards.

Silver Platter

I forgive you because you need me in order to make yourself feel better.

I forgive you because you were deprived of all the things I took for granted.

I forgive you because you need things in order to feel worthy.

I forgive you because you don't know what it is to hit rock bottom.

I forgive you because you haven't worked for anything in order to achieve satisfaction.

I forgive you because you will never know what it is to have nothing.

I forgive you because you were handed everything.

I forgive you because you do not need.

I forgive you because all you do is expect.

I forgive you because you try to impress others by being what you think they want you to be.

I forgive you because you don't know how to be yourself.

I forgive you because you don't know who you are.


I forgive you because you, you do not understand. And you never will.

Trust Issues

Sometimes, all we need in life is reassurance. Some wiser person to tell us that we're going the right way, or doing the right thing. But most of us don't have that, and even if we did, we might not believe them. All we have is our intuition. All we really have, is ourselves.

so long

Don't hold on too tight
Don't let go too soon
I wanted to love you with everything
but I simply had no room
I said I was sorry and I said I'd try
to observe things in a different light
I was too blind to see
Too young and too naive
So I followed you closely
to pick up all the pieces that trailed behind
Only to stumble and find
that some things can't be healed with time
You could have kissed me goodbye
Instead you disappeared
And every dying day
Turned from weeks to months to years
And every smile that slipped away
Turned into silent breathless tears
All tangled up and twisted
It's as though you never existed
You're just a distant memory
Of a perfect something that could never be