Within and Without

I waited for the sun to change colors. For the pages to turn themselves and miracles to fall from the sky. In an empty room, just staring out a brightly lit window waiting, watching, yearning.

Memories do not create themselves. Moments don't wait for you to be in the right mood. Good things do not happen to those who wait. Life is best enjoyed when you are hungry, starving for it. Would it make sense for good fortune to show it's beautiful face just because you wanted something badly? We all want to be somebody, we all want to be noticed. But in a mirror, before emerging into the vast and unforgiving world, you must love yourself. If you don't believe that you deserve it, not a single soul other than yours will either. It is unbelievable, the power that lies inside of us.

The Deepest Part of The Sea

If only I could save myself from my own thoughts, my own doubts, my own self-inflicted deep and sickening pain. Sorrow at every corner, blinding like the sky on a bright winter day. I choke on air that was meant to provide strength.

How beautiful it all could have been.

Tie Your Shoes

The truth is I don't know where I lost it
Always restless, tossing and turning into feigned sleep
I wish I could tell you where it all began
You, so eager yet so listless
As you leaned back in your tarnished chair
The walls always seemed more narrow
When you were around
Like the world was closing in on us
Perhaps it was.

With things always moving at a blinding pace
Not a moment to breathe or look into a mirror
You never ceased to stop time
I wonder what we'd all feel like
If we knew how we looked on the inside
I would soar and drift through the daylight
Eyes glazed with the pain of absolutely nothing
Like air was ailing my soul
Perhaps it was.

They say there's no place like home,  if you know where to go
They say there's no place like home,  if you know where to go
Perhaps there is no place at all.




ll

You Must Be Loving Your Life In The Rain

With you
all the time in the world
is never
enough.

Instant

That's the problem with people these days

                    the minute something takes a while, they abandon hope...

the only things worth fighting for

                                 are

           the things that push you to the very fucking edge.

Autumn In Frames

I sailed across a sea of buildings, scraping the tops of them as their inhabitants slept quietly throughout the night. Some lights never go out, some people never stop screaming, others they never quit dreaming(even when they're awake). I know this because I have felt all of their sorrow and happiness, all of their anger and peace, all of the beauty in each of their breakdowns. We are all really the same deep down, when no one is watching.

The dawn is forgiving today, the faint majesty of purple light eases into a rosy golden morning, drenching the city in warmth. As the sun starts to rise into the sky, I know it is October. You know when you are content and you know when you are happy...they are two different things. On this day the universe has filled my entire soul up beyond its measure. Tears can come to my eyes if I breathe too deep, my heart is beating out of it's chest. I am right here soaking up all of infinity in a single moment. There is no yesterday and there is no tomorrow. There is this.

The cadence of sounds are climbing up inside of me, falsettos and baritones never leaving me with an instant of dissatisfaction. Have you ever heard the world sing? It is more brilliant than one could ever imagine, and if you listen closely it can change you. The park is breathing and exhaling the vitality of autumn. Leaves once resplendent lay defeated on the cobblestone walkway. I don't mind watching them fall as they twist and turn gleaming in the ambient sunlight, like honey trickling down from the sky. This is all of the love I have, and there is no longer any distance between my hopes and the stars.

Right Here, Now

You've got me and I'll stay here, here with you. Heaven can wait.

365

I am always in your element

You hardly venture into mine

and do not know all of me

Perry St

"You can't find that anywhere else", the old woman said.
"Oh yes?", replied the man holding the antique in his left hand.
"Yep. They only sell it here. Better grab it before it's too late".
"You mean you've searched everywhere---from the ends of the earth, to the depths of the---"
A young woman walked by. Her hair was trailing behind her in the crisp autumn wind. She walked through a patch of sunlight and although everyone else was moving fast, she seemed to be drifting in slow motion.
The man put down the antique and, without hesitation, sped towards the dappled patch of October sun.

The Only Reason

When we waste the now worrying about the things that lay ahead and regretting what fell behind, we are not living. We simply become spectators of our own lives.

Good Morning

Inside you, I have found all of the things that hold me together. All of the things that tear me apart.
Inside you, I have found all of the confidence in being certain. All of the recklessness in second guessing.
Inside you, I have found all of the lives I longed to live. All of the deaths I tried to cheat.
Inside you, I have found all of the love I've tried to save. All of the heartbreak in every day.
Inside you, I have found all of the reasons to keep my feet on the ground. All of the reasons to soar through the sky.
And I'd love to disappear, until I forget everything all over again.

The Inconveniences

I missed my train that morning. I arrived to work 30 minutes late instead of 20. I went over all of the little things in my head that I could have done to be on time. If I had chosen my ensemble the night before, if I had just walked a little faster instead of people watching, if I had simply answered all of my emails at work instead of before. I was sent home for good, and I could not have cared less. I walked to my Brooklyn apartment, dragging my feet, my eyes fixated on each pile of shit and scum I would pass by on the streets. It smelled horrendous, like the entire earth spat up something that had been decaying for years. I came upon a park bench, it was gold in the late August sunlight. I looked out towards the city, and I noticed that the sky was on fire. Streaks of pink and purple and orange, streams of whisped clouds fading and then brightening again. A cool breeze trickled through the trees and I closed my eyes and took a deep breath until my lungs were completely full of air. As I released I noticed that everything around me was telling me something, a story that could only be heard and seen at that exact moment. I decided from then on to venture out into the world more often, this beautiful fucked up world that I had been avoiding all day just because I could have been paid to sit and stare at a computer screen for 8 miserable hours. I will no longer live for things that kill me.

Absence

I am going to start posting shit on here again. I never write anymore. I will try to post every day, just small little stories. I promise most of them will be at least 10% true.

-JP

In The End

Spring skies are too temperamental, Fall is good for showing off, Winter lasts too long and Summer is over too quickly. But You will always be my favorite season.

I can feel it (in the air)

it is our time

the time is ours

time belongs to us

while you were sleeping

your breath is the only rhythm that can soothe me to sleep
nothing but waves of energy surging in and out the room
how one could forget these little things is not fathomable
the window is cracked the height of a finger just like you said
well it doesn't feel like summer yet it doesn't feel like
anything we can do to slow down time but the clock ticks
as i try to steady my chest i lose complete control instead
so it has come to this again it's come to this
agony is best felt when looking back and not ahead
but i cannot turn around and my feet they cannot
touch the ground so angel i can leave without
a sound

two separate lives

The tired Pacific sun was a comforting, warm hue of tangerine. The scent of the air tasted like all the years left behind, full of words unspoken and things unseen. I felt as if no time had passed, like perhaps my new life was a vivid dream and I’d been here all along. Sometimes nostalgia can be quite subtle, and other times it can build up until you start to choke, blinded by an oblivion of all the little pricks and pinches your head forced your heart to ignore. You realize love is when all the things that used to drive you mad are the very things that make you swell up inside. Every corner I turned there was a different story laying dim-lit in the distance, wondering if I still remembered. One day they’ll be gone.

A Mind With Glass Windows

I've climbed inside your head
I've looked around, you let me in
And then there are darker days
You're like a blind storm building up
You think I can't feel it coming
This wall you hide behind
When things are heavy on your mind
You take yourself away into a lonely room
Where your head and your heart lose their senses
Fascinating, this thing you do
Empty hallways with the lights left on
You can't escape so quickly
You forget that I am at your side
Ready to fight the world with you

Fear of Sleep

Spiral staircases wind upward past the point where eyes can see
Ivory lined with copper, a room without echoes
The rooftop is lined with ivy and white wooden chairs
There are stories untold here
Eastern skies are painted pale cerulean and rose
A canvas that I captured with a mirror and a lens and the snap of a shutter
The tops of your fingers glide along my cheek
The air tastes clean and weightless
Summer will be leaving soon
The garden gleams like gold
Your eyes reflect the amber of the evening sun
I think we should stay here a while

passing time

i live not for the great moments or the life changing moments. not for the most memorable days or the most star filled nights. i live for the passing moments, the quiet moments, the in-between. where suddenly you realize that you are small and the world is vast. that life is not about where you’re going but where you are. it is in these moments, these small, forgettable moments, that i truly feel alive. 

life meets horizon

and i wanted to breath once more
to see the sky turn from pink to black
i wanted to see somebody(anybody) smile
i wanted to feel the wind sweep against my face
i wanted to walk along an edge again
just to remember what it's like
to be afraid yet invigorated
i wanted to run until my heart pounded
too heavy for my chest to endure
i wanted to scream in blinding pain
just so i could heal once more
i wanted to feel his lips against mine
even if it was not a kiss
just that sharp twist of my heart
i wanted to cry until my eyes shut
until i felt comforted by my own solitude
the city lights and the fading shouts
that sang me to sleep each night
i wanted to bump into every shoulder
on ever street and every corner
i wanted to hear just one more song
it might be played out but it made me whole
i wanted to scribble just one more sentence
because i never wrote nearly enough
i wanted to feel somebody's warm skin
against my youthful aching body
i wanted just one more anything
but i took most everything for granted
and as it slipped away from beneath me
i finally realized that second chances don't exist.

xx

our love becomes our fear
while this fear forms into hate
so we begin to hate ourselves
and this burning from inside
our perfectly framed safe lives
begin to capsize into tragedy
no telling what is up from down
feeling high as much as low
so we ask again and again
over and over until we choke
on the words left unspoken
when it all comes down
to a single moment spared
i think we would all die
wishing we had only cared
just a little bit more

the things i never knew

i can't imagine a time before i knew your name

lifetimes hidden behind wandering eyes

curtains closing before you could reach

you taught me to avoid death with life

after the edge of our souls could breach

i lost count of minutes and days

months passed and i can still see them

moments gone and i can still feel them

how you manage to stay so sane

i will never know

the pain of the vulnerability

i swore never to show

we tore infinity apart

i never planned on making sense

of my weak and tangled heart

so i see you from a distance

and i wish you never knew

all these senseless things inside me

strangling me until i'm blue

but that's what we're all here for

what lovers are supposed to do

to destroy each other slowly

and piece it all back together

while wondering who was wrong

when we both whispered vaguely forever

Monday

this week we can be different

we can toss and turn and wake up new people

we don't have to drag our tired bodies to work

today our social upbringing is forgotten

today we can finally fucking breathe

burn dollar bills and set the sky on fire

we can perch atop our favorite buildings

the ones we usually stare at from the ground

we can watch the people we used to be

scurrying around from one meeting to the next

it's funny how some of them don't even stop

not even to look up at the clouds

not one single moment is spent living

i wonder if we forced them to see and to feel

that they could become human again

but you and i don't have to worry

anymore

it's monday, it's our weekend

you can be a lush and i can wake up early

to see the sun rise from the shattered earth

freedom is underrated

do you think anyone has noticed?

our cease of existence 

lost amongst a sea of dead souls

wandering from place to place

without destinations

searching so desperately it's pathetic

searching for material things

intangible things

successmoneyfamesexlove

they might find all of these things

but never find themselves

their dying hearts buried beneath layers and layers

of self hatred and monotony

so i think we should leave this place

and not so much as even glance back

frames

i lost track of time

drifting away on thoughts

never acted upon

intensions are excuses

flesh and blood race

as my thoughts disintegrate

i slowly catch fire

it is enough 

to simply be near you

little angel
you thought you could breathe
in this sky full of poison
you thought you could be
in this world against being
like a fly on a wall
you sit, waiting patiently
for things that will never come
and you tried with all your soul
your head heart and bones
until you fell apart
jagged pieces on the ground
scattered so beautifully
as if they were meant
to be stepped on
left behind for the world
to see and interpret
well little poet
you wrote your story
proved your point
but i'm still empty
waiting to hear your voice
dying to read your words
if only it were so easy.

Stumble

The faint reflection of the moon in your eyes made me do it

The feeling of your left hand on my lower back 

The way you make my leg quiver and my neck arch 

The look in your eyes when you really mean it

The way you pour brown liquor into an empty glass

The way your lips feel when you're hungry made me do it

The ability you have to make all of my fears disappear into thin air

The way you pull my entire body toward you with one arm

The stories you tell that compel me

                            (I may look away but I'm always listening)

The curiosity looming in your head when you look out a window

The truth in your voice when you're falling asleep made me do it

And now, I am afraid, there is no turning back.

The Enemy In The Mirror

People tend to blame their faults, mistakes, or stagnant behavior on others, on timing, on circumstances beyond their control. I do it. You do it. We all do it from time to time...some more often than others. The truth is that we have so much control over our own outcomes that it is hard to grasp.

Some people defeat themselves before even trying. They give up before they start. Whether it's an insecurity or a lack of desire is always the underlying question.

Many people are terrified to leave their comfort zone. The bubble of knowing what's to come, never experiencing the anxiety of being confused about a destination or a situation they might not feel themselves in. The fear of being lost, of being nobody or invisible is something that will not be faced. Familiarity is friendly and it doesn't change. It never will.

Others simply don't want things enough. If one is dreaming, seeing, and craving the need and desire to achieve something, and willing to put every breath into making it happen, chances are they will not be dissatisfied with the outcome. It's not about success or failure, it's about fulfillment. That can come from the former or the latter. Perhaps that's the reason so many of us don't even bother to put forth the effort...we see these opportunities in black and white, when the world was meant to be seen in color. Taking risks can result in heartache, pain, humiliation, loss. They can equally result in bliss, pride, happiness, learning, and creating something we could never have dreamed possible if we gave way to all of the doubts clouding our heads. Our troubled heads with nothing to do but over-think every little detail until all possibilities are diminished.

One of the most beautiful things in life is a dream that becomes a thought, a thought that becomes an idea, and an idea that becomes an action. Something within you is brought out into the world, it becomes tangible, it becomes real. We have a lot more power than we think, and the universe responds to our energy if it is fierce, hungry, and strong. The last thing this world needs is another chance of brilliance kept silent.

The Birth of A Season

Long legs and flowing skirts

Dancing in the wind

Fuschia lips and swinging hips

They'll take you for a spin

Bare skin shimmers

Beautiful innocent sinners

Hair like waves

These girls make graves

High heels and painted toes

She's pretty and she knows

Come midnight anything goes

A wink and a smile

She exhales in style

Two Three Four days in a row

So soft and so fair

Best damn well prepare

For springtime is in the air

G

When you are beside me, the world sharpens. 

Please stay a while.

The Long Road

A wooden swing hung from braided rope tied to an old tree branch.
A girl pushed her feet up in to the air, then back and forth until her surroundings blurred.
She was convinced that if she kept going for long enough, she could let go and start to soar above the ground and the tree tops.
Closing her eyes, she imagined that she left without looking back, disappearing into the streaks of tired autumn sunlight.

Footprints on grains of California sand strayed out to the glassy ocean, ready to be torn into.
A girl looked at the horizon, and swam until her arms started to ache and the saltwater blurred her vision.
She was convinced that if she kept going for long enough, she could reach the edge of the earth and find all of its treasured secrets.
Closing her eyes, she imagined that she left without looking back, disappearing into the crescent waves set on fire by the blinding summer sun.

Buildings that were lifetimes old stood the way they always had, with ancient stories dying to be told to restless hearts.
A girl gazed up at them, standing perfectly next to each other, and climbed winding stairwells until she lost count of the steps she'd taken and floors she'd passed.
She kept going for what seemed like forever, until she reached the very edge of the rooftop, looking out into a sea of people and cars and concrete, more fascinating that she could have ever imagined.
Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply and stared into the black sky, with dazzling white stars and blaring city lights. She disappeared into the cold winter night.

Untitled

As I toss and turn, tangled between ivory sheets and untouched thoughts, I wander in and out of what is real and what is imagined. Moments stained with colors and feelings that go deep to the bone. The dark black sky eases into a dim-lit morning, promising everything while forgetting nothing. I am a dreamer who does not sleep.

I touch your rough face with my soft hands, and as we breathe each other in, I lose myself. Somewhere inside of you I have disappeared. As my heart races and my blood rushes, I am fearless yet afraid of your every move. A simple look or a single word could strip me of every feeling I have. I am a lover who cannot love.

Sunlight slid across city streets, as I watched all that was grey turn to gold. The cerulean sky waited patiently for eyes to notice that it had, in fact, been blue all along. Crystal clouds swirled and danced with the wind. The world did not need any music that day. I've tried to re-create it but it was far too beautiful to remember perfectly. I am an artist who cannot paint.

And I want to tell you everything, so one day you will know that what we had existed, that we were both real and alive and together. That when you speak, everything else drops into silence. That when you smile, the sun shines brighter. That when you are beside me, clocks stop moving and souls stop shaking. I've written many letters in my head, in black calligraphy on old paper rolled up and tied with silk ribbons. You could keep them for a rainy day, a day that you might not feel whole and hopeful. But I am a writer who cannot write, while you are an optimist who cannot hope.

One day I will become who I am. One day we will get it right the first time. One day.

The World We Left Behind

Paths crossed and followed and forgotten

Laying in dust with faded photographic memories

Letters never written and bodies never touched

Only in daydreams did we leave stories behind

They let go of themselves and became the past

Waiting patiently for us to go back in time

And smile the way we used to when we didn't worry

Now we are ill with weight of the world on our shoulders

It is up to you and I to determine how to let go

To be heavy-hearted yet light as air

I can see clear bare skies ahead

Begging us to reach up 

You can't have your feet on the ground

If your head is in the clouds

I don't think we ever belonged here anyway

Blank

I am hungry

for 

inspiration

nothing but

a 

blank

canvas

dying to be made

into a work of art

The Words We All Need To Hear

Everything is going to be all right. You are so beautiful. Astounding. You steal the breath from every single person in every room when you walk through the door. You are one of a kind. Nobody could ever do the things that you do, in the way that you do them. You've impacted people's lives in ways that you can't comprehend. You will never be forgotten. People will talk about you for years to come. Things are going to get better. You might not think so, but they will. You have the power to do anything you want to do. Anything at all. Don't let them get to you. Don't try to please them. If they can't accept you for who you are, then you never will. If you want something, reach out and grab it. Take it and run with it and never let go. You deserve every second of happiness that you feel. You are you, and nobody can change that. Please don't forget this.

The Ghost of The Past

Time stopped with you
I forgive you for not listening
They weren't saying important things anyway
You knew how to turn the day around
And how to make the end of something
Feel like the beginning of everything else
It was you all along
Lighting up the sky each day
Competing with the sun
And when I didn't have the answers
You'd know exactly what to say
You read the thoughts in my head
Troubled or at ease
Perhaps you were just too much
For one wandering soul to handle
Do you remember everything vividly?
I can still feel the wind in my hair
With nothing but the world at our backs
In the wake of simplicity
We knew we could never return
To that moment we wanted to keep forever
Faded photographs do no justice
To the revelation of ourselves
Becoming who we were supposed to be
We broke our own hearts, did you see it coming?
You who could predict the future
And all the things it would leave behind
As we each breathe different air
From skies miles apart
Do your senses get tricked like mine do?
Sometimes I think I hear your voice
Telling me not to get ahead of myself
To slow down and let the world turn on its own
Sometimes I swear I breathe your scent
On pillowcases that miss you almost as desperately as I do
I can still feel your lips on the back of my neck
Begging me to fall asleep
As shivers trickle down my spine
If there are no such thing as second chances
Then I'm afraid I don't know what I'm waiting for
You said it right the first time
Shouting at a trembling echo, "You never know what you're missing until it's gone"

Growth

And you can spend your life counting down, waiting for the right moment for all of your desires to be fulfilled. You can stumble back upon the steps of our past, as you become blinded by all of the mistakes you  never saw coming. They hurt me then but they'll shatter you now. How you were so numb while every sense within me shook, I will never know or understand. You traced parts of me that you'll never be able to create again, as your bed lies empty like the deepest parts of your soul. We were never right were we? I knew it all along but could never say it aloud, while every piece of me was aching and every part of you was elsewhere. I was much too young and you were much too oblivious. I would never be who I am now if it weren't for you. You showed me what it was to have trust thrown into the darkness, echoing until it became a faint cry for help unanswered. You wore me down until I was weaker than a shadow, broken until I hit the ground and could only look upward. It was because of you that I became nothing, and because of me that I became everything. I took the opportunity to embark upon a journey of self-discovery, answering to nothing but my own beating heart and free will. I shed a thousand skins, going in and out of hatred and love simultaneously. Hot as fire and cold as the night, I became many different versions of myself. I could never have dreaded or dreamed the things I've come across. Life is full of so many curses and so many blessings, to each their own. Signs and stories and years of words unspoken and screamed and I'm still here. I'm still here.

Make A Difference.

All it takes is one sentence, one smile, one word to make somebody's day.

All it takes is one person, one soul to give yours the missing piece.

All it takes is one moment, one instant to change an entire lifetime.

All it takes is you and I and everyone else, to change the world. One person, one smile, and one moment at a time.

If Not Now, Not Ever

To shine, To dim
To rise, To fall
To succeed, To suffer
To love, To lose
To come out, To cower
To listen, To watch
To breathe, To be breathless
To take advantage, To refrain
To remember, To forget
To move forward, To stand still
To feel, To be numb
To build a path, To follow
To become yourself, To become a shadow
To look behind, To look ahead
To live or To simply exist

The entire world is watching.
The entire world is waiting.

Time belongs to only you.

(Don't Cry For Me)

You once were a stranger

            I wished to know.

Now you are a stranger 

           I felt I used to know.

"Kill the things you love", she said, "before they kill you".

What Dreams May Die

you try so hard
to fit the world
in the palm of your hand
now i know what you meant
when you said
"i'd like to change it all someday
we could have everything our way"
as you drifted into sleep
i watched you disappear

so breathe deeply
your heart is heavy
you need me like i need you
if only you could see you
the way that i do
the way that i do

i try so hard
to fit my thoughts
onto a sheet of paper
i don't know what i meant
when i said
"one day i'll pay the bills with this pen
and we'll never be sleepless or hungry again"
as i drifted into the dark
i think i disappeared

i breathe deeply
my heart is heavy
i need you like you need me
if only you could see me
the way that i do
the way that i used to

The Ground Is White

"It's snowing", he said.

I lifted my head, and although my eyes were blurred with sleep, all I could see was a blanket of white. Quiet crystals fell from the sky at a leisurely pace, taking their time to settle into the cold streets. The city was all dressed up in the first snowfall of the year...the rooftops below us, the fire escape, the branches of the trees in Tompkins Square Park. Windows that once reflected morning sunlight were crisp and clear. There was a tranquility in the air that I had never felt before. The only sound I could hear was the gentle hum of January wind. The brightness reflected on my transparent winter skin, as his hand traced my neck he moved down to kiss my bare chest. His palm pressed against my hip bone and his fingertips reached the small of my back. The bed was warm and our bodies radiated enough heat to enjoy the cold wind blowing in from the window.


This is going to be a good year, I thought.

Piece of Mind. Peace of Mind. (III)

Perhaps we can all admit...

That the world is most compelling when we aren't scrutinizing its every turn. That the wisest of words are not always spoken whilst giving advice. That the most precious moments occur when we aren't keeping track of time. That we might learn more from our mistakes than we do from our success. That the past is no longer with us and the future does not quite exist. That losing our way is not as frightening as it may sound. That speaking the truth is much more difficult than telling a lie. That acceptance is far more rewarding than regret. That love is just as strong as hate. That hate is just as weakening as love. That luck can turn around in one single moment. That no one knows you better than you know yourself. That getting what you want depends solely on the fact of how badly you want it. That there is no greater hope than tomorrow, and no greater strength than today. That life is worth both living and dying for.

Peace of Mind I

Peace of Mind II

Sepia

She wanders the desolate streets alone
Chilling winds muted by the need to fill
An empty bed, a place to lay her troubled head
Restless as the moon hanging high in the black sky
"No stars are out tonight", she said
Fixated on the ground she didn't look to see
Nervous hands trembling to light a match
City lights glowing, reflecting in her eyes
Steadily, she inhales and exhales in slow motion
Surroundings start to swirl and blend
To pretend would be an understatement
A girl so successful at living a lie
That she became as blind as a silhouette
Disappearing into a comforting oblivion
False words wrapped up in a half-hearted smile
"Lay lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed",
Perhaps she'd stay, stay for a while
Until the record stopped revolving
The needle like a scribe to the music of her heart
Lost in the dim lights of a speak easy
Speechless and a bit gone
She counted the hours until daylight
Where she could not face the sun
It only reminded her of colors
That had lost their meaning
Beauty bleeding into a sea of questions
Unanswered