Alignment

Charcoal skies full of promises pouring down

Etched with desires and a scribbled list of things to be done

Sorrows unattainable and feelings unexplainable

Just trying to find a shred of the sun

Well those stars they've been hiding

And I can't keep deciding

Just which half of this war has been won

Heavy clouds hang low daring me to walk beneath

So full to the brim they might burst

Dreams untouched I hoped too much

This fate I held on to is cursed

Well that silver outline 

It's impossible to find

And I can't determine what's worse

Solid ground crumbles with each step taken

That foundation was all I had 

Falling too fast please let this last

Before I have deemed myself mad

Well the air is thick

And I'm slipping quick

Losing control isn't so bad

The Times We Forget To Breathe

There is a fine line between dreams and reality

Some of the time

We don't have to think about anything

Sometimes the world is just there

Staring us right in the face

Saying, "I'm doing my best"

All I Ever Really Wanted

It was more than you could give

More than I could take

Half asleep

Half awake

Half in love

Half in hate

Too powerless to be resistant

Too careless to be persistent

You were here but you were gone

I never needed stability

I only needed closure

You took it all away

Having nothing at all is invigorating

Walking on air

Tip-toeing on the edge of a dream

Weightless and bare

If only you could see me now

Escape is under rated

Fading away into the light

Blind with ecstasy 

Sleeping on a sea of clouds

Dreaming in velvet and crimson

I forgot what it was like to know

So today, I let the world go

The concept of More

Someone who writes the songs (doesn't just play them).

Someone who means the words (doesn't just say them).

Someone who leaves (doesn't just walk away).

Someone who searches (doesn't just look).

Someone who gives (doesn't just need).

Someone who begs (doesn't just plead).

Someone who screams (doesn't just yell).

Someone who explains (doesn't just tell).

Someone who embraces (doesn't just hold).

Someone who lives (doesn't just exist).

Someone with a soul (not just a heart).

Last Night's Makeup

Another morning gone to waste

Because of a night filled with mistakes

Cheap drinks and bad taste

You had me at goodbye

As you walk away I follow the lead

To all of your beautiful lies

I never truly had you

And know I never will

I wish it wasn't true

But I'm addicted to the thrill

I cannot moderate your heart

I can't control my own free will

When you look at me the world stands still

And slowly starts to spin in reverse

You turn everything upside down

And everything I touch is cursed

My drink is half empty 

I try to leave

But you grab my hand and it's the death of me

So we stay up all night and I have no control

I lose myself with you

We finally fall asleep and I dream for hours

And in the morning I struggle to wake up

To the absence of your scent and last night's makeup

I will. I promise.

We were better than that.

We were better than all the roses, the chocolate, the jewelry, the gifts.

We had the sun, the stars, and each other. 

That's all we really needed. 

We were the real thing, weren't we?

You would run your fingers up and down my spine and then through my hair.

I would trace every part of your face, every inch of your body.

We breathed each other in, we became one.

So that if someday, we fell apart, our senses would never forget. 

That was a mistake. 

When I was around you, the universe was aligned perfectly.

There was no yesterday, no tomorrow.

Just now. 

Just you.

We were the real thing.

If only we could have stuck to our guns, and not have let the world get in our way.

But things started to fall out of place. 

People got in the way.

Feelings got in the way.

Time got in the way.

I went from being free to being a prisoner.

Bright eyes glazed over.

Chained to the hope that one day, things would go back to the way they used to be.

But they never did.

They only worsened.

My heart became an open wound, and you carved into it, relentlessly, every single day.

And it hurt like hell, each day less, until I became numb.

Reduced to nothing but a dull ache.

Then you came to my door, and you brought me a rose.

That was when I knew it was all over.

And a thousand thorns would feel like nothing compared to what I felt that day.

Gravity

It's almost funny how the universe works. How you can spend months and months wanting something, trying to forget, and the second you finally muster up the strength to turn your back, you run right into it again. Oh the irony of how the world spins in circles.

En Route

Stuck here for 3 more weeks. That's 21 days that I could lose my mind. 504 hours to think too much and eat too little. Too much time to wait. On an airplane looking out into the sky, gazing upon a sea of clouds, flying high above a world of pain and chaos. The sun like an amber rose, painting the white dreams into a color I can't describe, that will stain my memory for an eternity. Time stops here. I think of all the different ways my life will change in a matter of 5 days, all the people I will meet that I might not ever forget. Things I will bring back with me that will make my heart grow, and bring a whole new meaning to escaping one's own element. I could know the answer in a moment, or I could come back torn between two coastlines, two opposites that go together like black&white. Torn between the comfort of home, and the mysterious promise of a new beginning.

Impossible

I dream of a dream world, while you're up there in a cloud somewhere, living in it. But if you come back down to earth, I can show you around...and I promise it ain't that bad, babe. It ain't that bad.

They Say It's Easy

Drained a vain into a typewriter and claimed to be sane. Call me crazy but I think I enjoyed the pain.

Glow

The stars will shine brighter tonight.

And to think, all you had to do was smile.

Take me away

I don't think it's working. I'm wearing red heels and I've clicked them together 3 times. But I'm still here. 

I've walked these streets for years, and all I've found is solitude.

I’ve learned that life is unforgiving. You can fall flat on your face, and in an attempt to stand back up, you can slip and break your back. But you can look up at the sky, at the sun and the clouds, or the shape of the stars…and it can put you back on your feet. Then you can step forward, one foot after the other, until you learn to walk again. You can go anywhere you feel like going. You will meet perfect strangers that can change your life forever in an instant. You will learn things about yourself you never could have imagined. You can breathe in and out, over and over again until you realize that you aren’t just breathing, you are living. And every second you feel sorry for yourself is waste of time, because life can be anything you want it to be. Life can be as beautiful as it’s meant to be, if you just open your heart, open your mind, and open your eyes. Some may call it soul-searching, but if you don’t feel like searching for anything, you can wander until you stumble upon the verdict that there may not be an answer. And perhaps, by that time, you won’t need it anymore. Everything will fall into place. Because things don’t need to be perfect, they just need to feel right.

The best we can do is breathe

You're everything I see 

Everywhere I go

Every artist on the side of the street

Trying to sell his heart

Each writer with a pen in hand

Who doesn't know where to start

Each movement of a dancer

Spinning into a pirhouette

An empty soul walking through the park

Wondering if they still have a silhouette

Every homeless man in front of the liquor store

Asking for an extra cigarette

You're the stormcloud in the distance

Threatening to cry on me

You're the promise of persistence 

But now you're starting to die on me

You're the comfort of tomorrow

And the sadness of yesterday

The stranger that once was welcome

But so comfortable he wears his stay

You're the arrow that pierced my heart

But the angel was shooting from behind

I wasn't ready but here I stand

Trying to make the best of what I couldn't find

I didn't mean it

You mean nothing to me

You are my everything

Remind Me

Someday, we will just be stars in the sky. We will just be empty space. Someday, we will stop being nobodys and become nothing. Someday we will be stories, we will be words. Someday nobody will know what we looked like. Someday all of our pictures will fade away. Someday it will be as though we never existed. 


But we did. 


And we did it well.

Just breathe

You make all these plans, all these goals you want to achieve. All these things you will never do, because in two months, you'll change your mind. A "to-do" list that will only have half of the words crossed out. You have an vague idea, a picture in your head. Something to work towards.

You call this the future.

You have all these regrets, all these things you say you'll never do again. You know they'll be repeated. You look back, you remember everything like a silent movie playing in your head. Perfect lighting, perfect characters...if only it had a happy ending. The ending you wanted. But it didn't.

You call this the past.

Really, there is no future. There was no past. There is only the present. There is only now. For tomorrow may not come. Next summer may not come. A few years from now may not come. The truth is that the past and the future, they only make us feel nostalgic or unfulfilled. If we live for the moment, for the now, perhaps we can finally be happy.

Because the present is all there will ever be.

The End of All Things Complicated

So all I really wanted was to run away.
And for you to come with me.
No looking back.
No goodbyes.
We could look into each other's eyes.
And disappear together.

Next Time Never Comes

I've decided to stop believing in second chances. They exist only in our minds. Like some backup plan that we use to excuse ourselves from taking risks. From now on I will act on my first impulse...that might be the only thing with any meaning.

Oh yeah? Well you can go fuck yourself.

I'm the girl you put your arm around
Some prized possession you'll never know
The vanity you wouldn't let show
You'll never hold my hand
You'll never sing me to sleep
Another promise you couldn't keep
Like some sick tourist attraction
Everyone pays to watch and leave
The emptiness in a winter breeze
Desolate yet never alone
The irony that screams in your face
A good intention gone to waste
That's all you wanted, just a taste
So you'd know what you were missing
I'm the girl you thought you knew
But really, you don't have the slightest clue.

Something in the way you...

The way you move, moves me.

*

When I met you, I knew I had loved you before. Maybe in some other lifetime. Where I was a feather, and you were the wind.

this pill is too big to swallow

spin spin spinning out of control
torn up shattered and misused
you could have just thrown me away
or left me to rot
but you torture me
that's how i know you cared
because you won't stop
the look in your eyes still moves me
for a second you'll lose me
you're only hurting yourself
i've lost all sensation
no feelings
just emptiness that goes to the bone
i won't give in to your temptation

Without You

One of these days, the wind will change directions. And the earth will bring me back to you.

Let me be the first to tell you

That life shouldn't be wasted for a single second.
That you have a lot less time than you think.
That love is something that doesn't come around often.
That the money, the careers, and the success...it's not real.
That we have it all backwards.

Silver Platter

I forgive you because you need me in order to make yourself feel better.

I forgive you because you were deprived of all the things I took for granted.

I forgive you because you need things in order to feel worthy.

I forgive you because you don't know what it is to hit rock bottom.

I forgive you because you haven't worked for anything in order to achieve satisfaction.

I forgive you because you will never know what it is to have nothing.

I forgive you because you were handed everything.

I forgive you because you do not need.

I forgive you because all you do is expect.

I forgive you because you try to impress others by being what you think they want you to be.

I forgive you because you don't know how to be yourself.

I forgive you because you don't know who you are.


I forgive you because you, you do not understand. And you never will.

Trust Issues

Sometimes, all we need in life is reassurance. Some wiser person to tell us that we're going the right way, or doing the right thing. But most of us don't have that, and even if we did, we might not believe them. All we have is our intuition. All we really have, is ourselves.

so long

Don't hold on too tight
Don't let go too soon
I wanted to love you with everything
but I simply had no room
I said I was sorry and I said I'd try
to observe things in a different light
I was too blind to see
Too young and too naive
So I followed you closely
to pick up all the pieces that trailed behind
Only to stumble and find
that some things can't be healed with time
You could have kissed me goodbye
Instead you disappeared
And every dying day
Turned from weeks to months to years
And every smile that slipped away
Turned into silent breathless tears
All tangled up and twisted
It's as though you never existed
You're just a distant memory
Of a perfect something that could never be

ode to the unknown

i took the picture frames off the wall
tore down all the posters
of people who inspired me
packed up all the memories
of who i used to be
situated in boxes perfectly
i'll move them somewhere new
i threw out what wasn't needed
perhaps someone will find it
stumble upon the young girl
once innocent and pure
the girl who grew up too fast
and decided for certain that she was unsure
with dreams too big
and means too small
who started out behind
but knew she'd pass them all
someday
i'm sitting cross-legged in an empty room
an organized nightmare beneath
shouting at an echo
that screams right back at me
knowing i can let go
of all these useless parts you cannot see
hidden well underneath the surface
let's raise our glasses to new beginnings
to what we don't yet know
to trusting everything
that the darkness fails to show

this is the closest thing to hell i've seen, and you're living in it.

i saw it with my naked eyes
all the things that lay underneath
hidden beneath the surface
the things we pretend not to see
what we choose to ignore
this is what we're dying for
living in fear constantly
we turn away and forget
the moments we should be paying attention to
ignorance is bliss
until it slaps you in the face
once you hit that solid ground
it all starts to change
maybe if something was said
perhaps if something was done
then it wouldn't dig so deep
heads hang low in defeat
because of choosing to be blind
these moments are yours to keep
no matter how fucked up or unkind
let's cross our fingers to disappear
although we know it will never work
there's no escape from yesterday
and no avoiding tomorrow
so if it's pushing today aside
look into the mirror
and you'll see the things you cannot hide
we need to make a difference
and save the beauty that's left behind
say something nothing anything
to heal the ruins of time

halfway home

sometimes i forget where love comes from
sometimes i forget where smiles start
sometimes i forget what it's like to feel safe
sometimes i forget what it's like to let go
sometimes i forget the sound of silence
sometimes i forget how to breathe
sometimes i forget how to sleep
sometimes i forget how it feels to be touched
sometimes i forget how it feels to be loved
sometimes i forget what it's like to be selfless
sometimes i forget what it's like to be careless
sometimes i forget how to cry
sometimes i forget how to scream
sometimes i forget how to be

all i want is to be

freedom is not something that is given to you, it is something you find inside yourself.

the messengers left this city long ago

What's the harm in truth?
This ink pen has no use
In a world filled with lies
All dolled up in a disguise
Nowhere to go but down
One more night out on the town
To see people I could care less about
Exchanging fake smiles from across the room
They either use or they consume
As I watch them from afar
Are they who they say they are?
Or just lying to themselves?
I'm stuck inside some private hell
Wondering if my soul would sell
For all that it was worth
I can't tell you what's worse
Than my restless mind becoming a curse
They call it the city of angels
I've been searching for something heaven sent
Every day for years and years
Perhaps along with our descent
All the angels disappeared

ages ago

When I was young, I chose the bedroom with the window ledge over the bedroom with the full-length mirrors. Because even at 12 years old, I had a vague idea of what was more important in life.

the ghost of you

your tears scream in silence
your eyes haunt my mind
i no longer feel your heart beat
it used to keep me alive
to have and to hold
your warm hands feel so cold
as i try to remember
the way things used to be
you look my way but you don't see
that i too no longer exist
i promised i wouldn't change
well i broke it
just like you shattered everything
i never thought your smile could hurt
and now i look away
i won't turn toward our yesterday
i'll walk in the other direction
the furthest stride from your perfection
you couldn't handle it anyway
you made it a point
to strangle the good things
until they were dead like you
you wander the streets empty handed
i walk these streets broken hearted
you were too numb to care
stripped down bare to the bone
i could have shown you everything
if only you would have have known
but i still stand on my own
shaking but strong
the wrong cannot be undone
i saw straight through the ghost of you
then realized that's all you were

opposite of what you had hoped for

my breath ends as yours begins
your hate is my love
your good will my sin
you make my heart stop
you make my head spin
and i hope that
you'll do it all over again

take me back, i beg you

I wanna go back and relive the days I didn't appreciate until now. The days when my only worry was choosing an outfit that I wouldn't get in trouble for at school. The days when I believed in everything and doubted nothing. When I loved with my whole heart, not a bunch of jumbled up pieces sewn back together. When holding hands meant you were boyfriend and girlfriend, not some complicated excuse for a relationship. When we would break into hotel pools during summertime, and pray that we wouldn't get kicked out before we got a tan. When I didn't feel guilty for having fun. The days when getting drunk wouldn't cost $100. When we would meet in the halls and pass notes folded into perfect shapes, containing the secrets to all of our lives. The days when I would eat two bowls of captain crunch and not worry how many calories were in each bite. When everything was an adventure. When we would climb houses in the midst of being built and drink beer on the rooftops, thinking we were on top of the world. The days where rain didn't mean staying inside, it meant boogie-boarding down the iceplant, smiling ear to ear and soaked to the bone. When getting all dolled up and going nowhere was the highlight of our saturday nights. When we would ride our skateboards 2 miles to the store, praying the boys would see us and think we were cool. When I would send postcards on family trips to friends, knowing I'd be back before it would arrive in their mailboxes. The days when I would still pinch myself to see if something was a dream or reality. The days when I didn't need to bring money to school for food, because if you asked 15 people for a quarter, you'd have enough for a chicken sandwich. When I wanted to be older and didn't fear being older. I wonder what the old me would say to the new one.

hello life

oh irony, oh tragedy...how you coincide so perfectly. like some fucked up kind of symphony.

"from now on, from here on out, i solemnly swear to..."

If I want something, I am going to reach out and grab it. This goes for anything and anyone. No more acts of shyness, no more waiting for something to come to me. Life is too short to wait around. So I'm going to take control of my world, and take over the world...and I surely hope you don't mind.

Don't worry, it's all make believe

Up too late, on a rooftop, underneath your sheets. The night admits defeat, and the morning rises. I look into your eyes... it's surreal to have you next to me. The sunlight hits your hair, your shoulders bare...it isn't fair the way you get to me. We gaze at the sky and piece together a story made out of clouds. My heart is beating loud and I'm surprised it doesn't burst. You say love is a blessing, well I say it's a curse. You're a mid-summertime daydream, hazy and out of focus. I light your cigarette...there's not a moment I regret with you. You tell me to kiss you, so I no longer pretend I'm in between. Tangerine, my tangerine...not a reflection, but a silhouette of a dream. Fell for all the things I thought I'd seen...but they were out of my control. I'll always wonder, but never know. I suppose that's the first step towards letting go.

inner turmoil

I have followed this path for years with a smile on my face, eager to succeed. Over these years I have changed, blossomed, but lately I have grown tired and weak with frustration. Not because I can't keep going, but because I'm not sure that it's what I want anymore. And instead of trudging ahead without thinking or doubting, I am beginning to stagger. I do not look back, but instead I am looking around me for something else, something that better suits me. I am full with feelings of despair and failure. Nothing feels worse than realizing you've been wasting your time, energy, effort, heart and soul for no reason. I want to cry and scream but I can't. I feel like I've turned into stone. All these feelings rage inside me and it makes me pysically, mentally, and emotionally ill. I wish there was a sign staring me straight in the face, or a wise person who could tell me which direction to go. This path has been clear for years but now I can hardly see it. I see others that my heart desires but am afraid that they, too, will become unpromising and disappointing. I feel like the world is against me every day. I am lost and feel I should be found. Either that or I should disappear.

epiphany

don't remember me as a girl
remember me as a feeling
as a moment
as a transition of your heartbeat
the pause in time when it stands still
as a painting
as a loophole in your thoughts
the screaming of a violin
that was too beautiful to listen to
remember me as a song
the one you never finished
because it was composed too perfectly
don't remember me for what i did
remember me for who i was
and who i'll never be again

last minute

you told me to look you in the eye
and forget about the crowd inside
cuz they don't have a clue
well i know the you that's true
and i don't have to pretend
i could forget it all for you
suddenly this room doesn't feel so small
i hold my breath in deep
tonight i'm yours to keep
this place hasn't changed a bit
but you have and so have i
i can't lie to myself anymore
i'm fighting off the sorrow
so let's drink the night away
and wake up with our problems tomorrow

all i want to do is

travel. all i want to do is travel. all i want to do is travel. all i want to do is leave. all i want to do is leave. always gone always gone always gone. and i'm stuck here.

draw the line

you say there are no rules. i say there are no boundaries.

Driving

The amber evening sun was shining just right...just enough to saturate my surroundings in vivid shades of color. My window was down, the air was warm, and I had a smile on my face. The song playing on the radio was so fitting that I felt like I was in a movie with the perfect soundtrack. Life, by no means, felt perfect...but perfectly okay. It's rare to catch yourself in moments of happiness. More often I have found myself reminiscing, "I was happy then". Today I thought to myself, "I am happy". Today was a beautiful day.

sweet yesterday

they say a picture paints a thousand words
i say it's more than that
as i look through these pictures of you
years seem like lifetimes ago
and each moment that passes by
you become further from me
no matter how close you are
as i fade away into a ghost
what hurts the most
is that the feelings we felt
in these frozen memories
will never be the same again
i thought we'd never grow apart
i feel uneasy when i see you
because i don't know you anymore
we embrace but you make sure not to hold me too tight
if i were to hold you like i used to
would you come back to me again?
we could talk about everything
say all the things we couldn't
all the things we were too afraid to say
because now more than ever
i realize that time can pass us by
those three dreaded words that tore us apart
we were too young to understand them anyway
but after all this time i know it now
and i'm afraid it's too late

again? say it twice.

you look into my eyes your hands against the wall
i can tell you're uneasy yet you still stand strong and tall
i hesitate to move closer for i may lose control
i try to keep my distance but you draw me in
just like you always have before you always seem to win
the way i feel around you i cannot describe
i feel beautiful and new i feel so alive
but it has been too long since i've seen the likes of you
that's why i can hardly breathe with ease when i finally do
you walk straight through the door and take me by surprise
when i see your face the sadness lingering inside me dies
then i hear your voice and it sounds like a symphony
feel like i'm walking around in circles without a way to see
i almost wish you'd disappear so i can breathe again
the way you moderate my heart really digs beneath my skin
but it's the same old story when the night comes to an end
i fall head over heels but never hear from you again
that's why i hate myself when i think of you before i sleep
full of secrets that you and i could only bear to keep
so i will forget you from here on out and i hope you don't mind
perhaps this lucid feeling will fade away with time

reverse

Love can be understanding, kind, patient, heart-warming, indescribable, and beautiful. Love can be unforgiving, treacherous, blinding, heart-wrenching, devastating, and destructive. Most people are not fortunate enough to experience the former alone, without it being followed by the latter. That is why love is the strongest power in existance. It can be the best and the worst in us. Love is in everything, even in hate.

seek

in between the doldrums and the positivity
in between the miracles and the tragedies
in between the love and the hatred
in between darkness and dawn
in between the sunlight and the skyline
in between the laughter and the tears
in between falling asleep and dreaming
in between giving up and letting go
is where you will find hope
all you have to do is search where no one else is looking

ending

The worst pain of somebody leaving isn't watching them walk away, or knowing they're gone. It's realizing that they aren't coming back.

we can still hold on

if things are falling apart
let them break.
don't hold any feeling too tight
sometimes good memories are the ones that hurt the most.
never love too greatly
if someone has control of your heart, they have control of everything.

I am still me without you

I mistook lust for something more. You mistook me for something less.