this is the closest thing to hell i've seen, and you're living in it.

i saw it with my naked eyes
all the things that lay underneath
hidden beneath the surface
the things we pretend not to see
what we choose to ignore
this is what we're dying for
living in fear constantly
we turn away and forget
the moments we should be paying attention to
ignorance is bliss
until it slaps you in the face
once you hit that solid ground
it all starts to change
maybe if something was said
perhaps if something was done
then it wouldn't dig so deep
heads hang low in defeat
because of choosing to be blind
these moments are yours to keep
no matter how fucked up or unkind
let's cross our fingers to disappear
although we know it will never work
there's no escape from yesterday
and no avoiding tomorrow
so if it's pushing today aside
look into the mirror
and you'll see the things you cannot hide
we need to make a difference
and save the beauty that's left behind
say something nothing anything
to heal the ruins of time

halfway home

sometimes i forget where love comes from
sometimes i forget where smiles start
sometimes i forget what it's like to feel safe
sometimes i forget what it's like to let go
sometimes i forget the sound of silence
sometimes i forget how to breathe
sometimes i forget how to sleep
sometimes i forget how it feels to be touched
sometimes i forget how it feels to be loved
sometimes i forget what it's like to be selfless
sometimes i forget what it's like to be careless
sometimes i forget how to cry
sometimes i forget how to scream
sometimes i forget how to be

all i want is to be

freedom is not something that is given to you, it is something you find inside yourself.

the messengers left this city long ago

What's the harm in truth?
This ink pen has no use
In a world filled with lies
All dolled up in a disguise
Nowhere to go but down
One more night out on the town
To see people I could care less about
Exchanging fake smiles from across the room
They either use or they consume
As I watch them from afar
Are they who they say they are?
Or just lying to themselves?
I'm stuck inside some private hell
Wondering if my soul would sell
For all that it was worth
I can't tell you what's worse
Than my restless mind becoming a curse
They call it the city of angels
I've been searching for something heaven sent
Every day for years and years
Perhaps along with our descent
All the angels disappeared

ages ago

When I was young, I chose the bedroom with the window ledge over the bedroom with the full-length mirrors. Because even at 12 years old, I had a vague idea of what was more important in life.

the ghost of you

your tears scream in silence
your eyes haunt my mind
i no longer feel your heart beat
it used to keep me alive
to have and to hold
your warm hands feel so cold
as i try to remember
the way things used to be
you look my way but you don't see
that i too no longer exist
i promised i wouldn't change
well i broke it
just like you shattered everything
i never thought your smile could hurt
and now i look away
i won't turn toward our yesterday
i'll walk in the other direction
the furthest stride from your perfection
you couldn't handle it anyway
you made it a point
to strangle the good things
until they were dead like you
you wander the streets empty handed
i walk these streets broken hearted
you were too numb to care
stripped down bare to the bone
i could have shown you everything
if only you would have have known
but i still stand on my own
shaking but strong
the wrong cannot be undone
i saw straight through the ghost of you
then realized that's all you were

opposite of what you had hoped for

my breath ends as yours begins
your hate is my love
your good will my sin
you make my heart stop
you make my head spin
and i hope that
you'll do it all over again

take me back, i beg you

I wanna go back and relive the days I didn't appreciate until now. The days when my only worry was choosing an outfit that I wouldn't get in trouble for at school. The days when I believed in everything and doubted nothing. When I loved with my whole heart, not a bunch of jumbled up pieces sewn back together. When holding hands meant you were boyfriend and girlfriend, not some complicated excuse for a relationship. When we would break into hotel pools during summertime, and pray that we wouldn't get kicked out before we got a tan. When I didn't feel guilty for having fun. The days when getting drunk wouldn't cost $100. When we would meet in the halls and pass notes folded into perfect shapes, containing the secrets to all of our lives. The days when I would eat two bowls of captain crunch and not worry how many calories were in each bite. When everything was an adventure. When we would climb houses in the midst of being built and drink beer on the rooftops, thinking we were on top of the world. The days where rain didn't mean staying inside, it meant boogie-boarding down the iceplant, smiling ear to ear and soaked to the bone. When getting all dolled up and going nowhere was the highlight of our saturday nights. When we would ride our skateboards 2 miles to the store, praying the boys would see us and think we were cool. When I would send postcards on family trips to friends, knowing I'd be back before it would arrive in their mailboxes. The days when I would still pinch myself to see if something was a dream or reality. The days when I didn't need to bring money to school for food, because if you asked 15 people for a quarter, you'd have enough for a chicken sandwich. When I wanted to be older and didn't fear being older. I wonder what the old me would say to the new one.