Life In Layers

I like to think of life in layers
A never-ending story
To unravel
Piece by piece
Sometimes you have to rip
Each one off
Fast and clean
Sometimes you need to go
Slow
Pulling each one gently
Carefully
Until it falls off onto the ground
And sometimes
In rare moments
Of serendipity
The next layer reveals itself
And all that effort you put in
Before
All those times you tried
So hard
It was never as breathtaking
As this one
When things are just right
Not perfect
Because perfect doesn't last

Things are just right

That will do

Happiness

The sunlight leaped through the clouds
It has been far too long
Since I've seen my own face
My body too small to contain
All of the ecstasy flowing inside
I am alive
and
I'm twice the person
I was before

It feels good to see the light

Loss and Longing

I've seen men and women on the streets
Who gave up long ago
Skin scraping on aching bones
With no hope to find a home
I speak not of the beggars
They still have hope to be shared
Like the man with the tin half full of coins
Asking for some change to be spared
He just wants to buy a drink
So he can stay sane
And a cigarette to ease the pain
Or the boy with the open guitar case
Full of dollar bills
Playing six strings seven days a week
He just needs a stage and some time to kill
What I speak of is the people you don't see
Sleeping on subways with no destination
They don't dream anymore
In a constant state of deterioration
No roof above and no place to stay
Slowly dying with each passing day
I've seen darkness at its darkest
Putrid corners of empty buildings
Stories left behind that no one would want to know
I've seen people become addicted
Things meant to be enjoyable
Become a weapon of torture
I've seen bloodless battles
Far more gut-wrenching than war
Where sex and drugs and desperation
Kill people from the inside out
No matter who they were before
You see it in their eyes first
Pure existence an endless curse
Nightmares while they're asleep
But reality is far far worse
I've heard screams that crackle spines
And cries that surge blood through veins
Whimpering so loud it's deafening
Wrists with scars that won't heal
Hearts blackened and souls sucked dry
So next time you open your mouth to sigh
Be thankful you don't have the devil at your side

You Don't Know What Blue Is

he was laying on a blanket

in a room full of

scattered records

empty bottles

and

empty souls

he stared at the ceiling

his eyes were full

of complex thoughts

no windows

just walls

his fingernails 

scraped guitar strings

old and rusted

playing sounds that seemed

from an older time

a better time

everything was slightly

out of tune

i liked it that way

those creaking sounds

turned into something

beautiful

if i heard it years from now

i'd still remember

the candle burned

flickered

it made me comfortable

as i slid beside him

i looked at the ceiling

trying to 

find

what is was that he saw

but i think it was 

somewhere deep inside

hidden

it hurt me to listen 

to those words

to the humming

the tapping of his foot

against the wood floor

it brought tears to my eyes

the fire was

burning

blue and red and orange

it was warm

but i felt cold 

the winter waited outside

screaming

damning us 

to well whiskey

alone with our thoughts

sometimes

they're too much to bear

but all that 

pain

it was real

i felt alive

and on that 

cold december night

i fell

in love with a feeling.

Aftermath

I have walls up
for a reason

thank you
for
reminding me
why
I should never
let them down

The Comeback

Truly underestimated is one who is pushed over the edge but does not fall. One who bends but does not break. The silent one. The stubborn one. The blue in the fire. The whisper in the wind. The one in the very back. Observing. Learning. Planning.

The one you were always worried about.

You should have turned around.

The Bad Days

Spinning in circles and running in place
Holding in tears I can't shed
Thoughts drifting through empty space
Resisting this torrent inside of my head

Just yesterday I felt so well
Now I'm drowned with concern
Lost inside some private hell
Dreaming of a safe return

If my soul could catch fire
I'd watch from a distance
As these realms of desire
Met the fear of persistance

The question of reason
Is haunting me to death
Choking on treason
Take one last deep breath

I don't know up from down
Or the sky from the ground
Nor the poison from the air
Now I've lost the will to care

Higher

This mirror isn't working

I have no reflection

The sun is high in the sky

But I have no shadow

I put my palm on my chest

I don't feel a beat

I watch the sun rise

Wondering if I'll ever sleep

I miss nothing

Wanderlust is addicting

Am I living or just existing?

If I disappeared tomorrow

It might not make a difference

As transparent as a ghost

Hollow and empty

Some days are beautiful

Others seem endless

Yesterday I was strong

Today I feel defenseless

Home is what you make it

This is where I belong

I won't be pushed away

My body can tire

My spirits can crumble

But my ambition can't be touched

I came here for a reason

I will not leave until I am as solid as the streets beneath my feet

The Chase

I could smile, flip my hair, say witty things and turn away. I could dress in my Sunday's best for days on end. I could make all of the right moves, do all of the things I was told to, all of the things that could lead you in the right direction. I could care about all the twisting of words, tongue-tied and irresistible. I could paint you a picture with my descriptions, tell you a story with my eyes, make your hair stand on end. I could be pretty and fill your head with the trailing scent of desire. I could drive you mad and bend the rules, while following all the steps toward achieving a perfect lustful facade, filled with impatience and all of the wrong intentions for the right things. I could give you everything, if you just convince me...

The Rival of The Standard

No dream too big nor thought too small
The sky set fire the way we meant it to
Well strong the mind and weak the heart
The way that life intended to
And if death walks the way you do
At least I'll go in style
Outstretched arms and clinging hands
We made it worth the while

Well time is not a countdown
Tomorrow is not a threat
What a challenge it is we face
To live life without regret
I've stared at the other side of town
I'm sure it's just the same
What souls have drowned in this attempt
To play society's twisted game

That heavy burden you choose to carry
One day it will bring you down
And you'll be chained to your own deadlines
When you feel the need to escape this town
The strive for perfection could drive you insane
Don't let something else pass you by
Such an expert at the art of being abstained
Well there isn't much fun in being refrained

So we ask ourselves the things we can do
To have two feet planted on solid ground
So our peers can give us a pat on the back
And say something counterfeit but profound
Not too long ago I made a decision
To live life on a whim of free will
And though you won't understand this vision
I'll have my last laugh while you're standing still

The 3 Year Transition

The chain of events, not driven by time but subconscious choices. Now I am here, in the right place, and time has no choice but to be on my side.

What it's worth

The measure of man is not  necessarily whether or not he fails or succeeds, but that he tries his best.

The Other You

We're closer when we're at a distance

The slightest touch is too much to handle

You and I, we have our walls

No good-willed force could bring them down

But you could walk right through

If you only knew the rules I broke for you

You didn't hear the words I spoke to you

While we were fast asleep

Halfway dying in our dreams

Maybe someday you could be me 

To finally understand 

Why I haven't let you go

To show you the things you wanted to know

The things that I'll never tell

And maybe it could have worked

In another lifetime less tragic and cursed

Maybe the other you is waiting 

Somewhere for another me

To go to those places we'll never get to see

To be those people we always wanted to be

Hopelessly and desperately 

Wearing our hearts on our sleeve

No scars and no regrets

So raise your glass to the other you and I

The ones that weren't too cowardly to give love a try

Quicksand

Sometimes things don't make sense. They're difficult, they're destructive, and they're intimidating. But sometimes they're there for a reason. And if you feel like there is some purpose in fighting, some purpose in pushing, some test of the soul being performed...then keep going. You are meant to be here.

Essential

"Always have something to look forward to."


No matter how big, or how small. It keeps us going. It gives us hope. We need these things sometimes. If the present is overbearing, we can turn to the past to make us smile. That is what our memories are for. We can look into the future, we can dream. That is what our imagination is for.

The Next Chapter

When life changes in a matter of hours. Yesterday is no longer the past, but history. When the sun goes down quietly, and the stars breathe in the dead of night. When the world stops and starts to spin in reverse. When everything that used to matter becomes insignificant. When old friends are missed greatly and new friends are welcome with open arms. When everything progresses in slow motion, but passes by in an instant. Where footprints are left behind and shadows disappear. Where stories are made and love is never forgotten.

This is life being lived, novels being written, tears being cried, hearts growing, and fears thriving. This is the end of the beginning. And the beginning of everything. 

Release

GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

The sky is beautiful...but don't go telling everyone

Time takes the clarity of things away, as memories slip through our fingertips. Just as I realize they're escaping, they're gone for good. The photographs start to fade, the words grow quiet, the vision becomes unclear. Is this what dying is? Forgetting the things we live for? I once loved so much, with such strength, that it was impossible to describe. It was fierce, passionate, breathtaking. It could have put out the fire of the sun, drained all the ocean from the earth, torn all the stars from the sky. But it doesn't exist anymore. Where does it all go? The love, the hate, the regret, the sorrow, the joy, the desire? Do we just add these feelings to our collection of failed causes? I once believed so whole-heartedly, truly, deeply, that my dreams were so vivid they were almost blinding. Now I struggle to see them. It's as though everything has come to some dull dead end. My heart doesn't jump, it doesn't flutter, it doesn't sink...sometimes I put my hand under my breast just to see if it's even beating. So what does it take to feel alive again? Is it a moment, a person, a feeling? It's similar to walking forever, lost, trying to find a way home. I feel like I've been walking and wandering for so long that I've forgotten where I was headed. I'm just trudging forward because my body tells me to. I need that surge of energy, that spike in my vein, that fire in my heart again. I'm almost numb to the bone. My surroundings have become a greyscale...no saturated colors, no black and white. Just a bleak and solemn overtone. I need to feel alive again, to feel excitement, joy, pain, something, anything. This nothing just won't do anymore.

Fare Thee Well

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as his lips gently pressed on her forehead. She knew this was the last moment she would feel safe for quite some time. Her emerald eyes started to burn, her throat started to tighten. But she fought it off...if there was one thing she was good at, it was swallowing her emotions and putting on a smile.
"Off you go, darlin'. You know I'm not keen on goodbyes."
She placed her hands on his cheeks, and then traced his collarbone, trying to take note of everything. His scent, his soft skin, his voice. Her heart was pounding and her legs were shaking like two teetering towers in the wind.
"See you soon", she whispered. But she knew it wasn't true.

It was one of those scenes in life like a movie...everything was saturated with the golden light of dusk, the air was warm and everything seemed to be playing in slow motion. With great risk comes great sacrifice. There are certain times in life that you can sense change, the earth is shattered and an entirely different layer is revealed. It's frightening, it's exciting, and it's fucking beautiful. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

mdh

Always young, always gold, you never fade away

Here to stay, to destroy the things that get in your way

I was never one to talk, never one to share

Stripped down bare and breathless, hungry and restless

Just the way you like it

But we're just kids we don't want to grow old

Never did what we were told but here we are now

Wondering what the hell this life is about

Lost as ever 

Lost inside forever

Trying not to look back so we look ahead

Staring into the eyes of the future instead

Well we could change the world if we wanted

Maybe we're just too scared

Too fucked up or unprepared

But you don't see yourself like I do

Your mirror not as keen as my eyes

No more drugs and no disguise

You're really something dear

No more fear and no excuses

Let's conquer this life before we lose it

XI

I ripped through every single page, through the preface and the epilogue. I searched through history books and websites. I listened to the songs, over and over again, until i knew all the words, all the twists and turns, all the secrets. I depicted the drawings on the wall, the faded photographs, the letters never sealed and never sent. I walked back and forth, to the edge of the earth, to the end of the road, to the corners of the sky. I asked every question, peered into every soul, borrowed every dream. All the memories, fears, and hopes became a part of me. I was pulled in every direction, torn between each path, spinning in circles and walking a tightrope. I experienced every rock bottom, every tip top, and everything in the middle, trying to find an answer. Then I realized it was buried deep inside of me, and no impatient digging, soul-searching, or magic lamp was going to reveal it. I saw that the answer was in all of these things, but I was too busy trying to find it to appreciate what they were trying to tell me. So I learned to be patient, I learned to breathe, and I learned to listen. It's not about finding something that is hidden, but discovering something that is right in front of you.

Lightly

No need to rush, better to wait
Real like those scars on your chest
Listen to fear, it's stronger than hate
You're all talk, just like the rest
While my Sunday's worst
Is your Sunday's best
I can walk away just like you
Just like I'm someone new
So it all comes down to what?
Running around in circles again
No start and no end
Just one big waste of time
Lost the need to pretend
Turned that water into wine
And drank till it was dry
But you're no better
You're much worse
Nothing but a disarming curse
Your charm contagiously adverse
So take it for all it's worth
One day you won't be so tough
One day it won't be enough

Lessons

The other day, I participated in a much-dreaded trip to the coin laundromat. We went to a restaurant next door to pass the time. I didn't want to go, and the food was nowhere near satisfactory. But I love to people watch(and listen). There was a woman at a table with her two little girls. The older of the sisters asked her mother: "Mom, everyone says that the world is going to end in 2012. I'm scared." The woman pulled her daughter's hair back, and kissed her forhead. "Baby, there's no point in worrying about things we have no control over." I didn't expect to learn anything in that short amount of time. Sometimes the world just pulls you in and forces you to pay attention.

The Effort

I may drink too much

I may think too much

I may be too much

to handle

sometimes

but




I'd like you to try.

The Alternative

You will lose your way.

Your heart will be broken, many times.

You will endure an immense amount of pain.

You will fail.

You will fall.

You will die.

(But you will find a new path.)

(But you will become an artist sewing it back together.)

(But one taste of happiness will make up for it all.)

(But you will learn.)

(But you will pull yourself up again.)

(But you will live.)

The Realist and The Dreamer

I search for you all the time. In my dreams. In my waking life. Around every corner I turn. Every coffee shop I walk into. Every bar I order a drink at. At the bottom of every bottle. At the turn of every page. At the end of every letter. At the top of every mountain. At the deepest of all the valleys. At the end of every winding road. At the darkest part of the sea.

I listen for you. In the bridge of every song. In the ring of every phone call. In the weeping of the wind. In the breath of every glistening star. In the crash of every wave. In the pain of every sob. In the joy of every laugh. In the fury of every scream.

I wait for you. At the setting of every sundown. At the break of every dawn. At the change of every season. After everyone else has gone.

You're out there somewhere...I know you are.

My artist. My muse.

.

Love with your whole heart.

Never be sorry.

E. Smith Wasn't So Crazy After All

My heart is slowly breaking. Little by little. Day by day. It's like the weak blade of a dull knife, not slicing into my chest, but sawing. Not an instant, sharp pain, but one that gets worse by the minute because I know that it won't end soon or abruptly. And I can see it happening right in front of me, right before me...it doesn't take me by surprise. This is a time I pray for ignorance because perhaps if I didn't think so much, or observe every little detail, then I would not feel so deeply. It's a curse. But I wouldn't want it any other way. And someday, this might be the death of me.

Piece of Mind. Peace of Mind. (II)

After years of ups and downs, I have come to discover that losing yourself is just as important as finding yourself. That the harder we try to make an impression, the less we actually do. I have learned that you either have it, or you don't. That confidence is more important than what you are saying or wearing. That the best-looking is not always the greatest catch. I have learned that everything should be written in pen, and drawn in pencil. I have learned that true love does not fade away. That the faster you dive into a relationship, the faster it ends. I have learned that there is no cure to heartache, but the company of friends, chocolate, and wine make it easier to cope with. I have learned that stressing about things you have no control over is a waste of time. That friends and family are more important than anyone else. That mothers are always right. I have learned that trying to be something you are not is like swimming against a current. I  have learned that rest, eating proper meals, and drinking enough water really are the key a healthy lifestyle. I have learned that anger and instability should never be mixed with alcohol. I have learned that life is unforgiving, but the best way to deal with it is to accept it, and make the best of what you have. I have learned that no matter how bad things get, they can always get worse. That we will never have all of the answers, and perhaps we do not need them. I have learned to hope for the best, but never expect it. That yelling may get people's attention, but it does not get the point across. I have learned that nothing is good in excess. I have learned that walking is always better than driving, and that getting out is always better than staying in. I have learned that receiving a letter means more than receiving an e-mail, that getting a phone call means more than getting a text message, that flipping through a magazine has more of an impact than clicking a button, that holding a photo means more than seeing it in pixels, and that the tangible things in life are the only things that can become a part of our history. And if that is all we have, that is enough. What do you have to show for?

Piece of Mind. Peace of Mind (I)

In Transition

The wait is killing me. I can feel it. I can taste it. But it seems so distant and intangible at the same time. I feel trapped here. These next two weeks will be difficult. Everything is temporary. You must be out of your element in order to shine shine shine. Once I move down south I can breath. Deeply. Reflect. Plan. Become healthy again. And then I am going to take a giant leap into a completely different life. A life that I tasted, briefly, twice. And you better believe that I'm scared senseless, but I'll savor every second of it.

Best Coast

My head is clear and my heart is steady

I've been here far too long

I've gained so much but I know I'm ready

To sing a different song

A song full of colors and seasons 

Subways and sidewalk displays

Each rhyme with its own reason

Skyscrapers and yellow cars

A banker in stride with a fashionista 

A mad hatter sitting next to Mona Lisa

A sinner shares a ride with a saint

A dancer holding hands with a poet

This is New York City and you know it

I'm sick of the who's who and the glitz

The orange tans and rock hard tits

I may be judgemental but I need to go

If not I might not ever know

The East coast is screaming my name

I have no choice but to answer with a smile

And pray that this be worth my while

The Things We Reach For

"Success", much like the term "perfect", is intangible. Those who speak of it will most likely not ever achieve it. If you truly put every ounce of passion and every bead of sweat into what you do, the rest will follow. If you spend your whole life with your eye on one thing, you are being unrealistic. It's not about order, clarity, or planning...it's about losing yourself. Do not obsess over all of the imperfections...embrace them. Do not focus on the things that you lack, focus on the things that you have, and flaunt them. Do not dwell so much on the past, do not dream so much of the future, but open your eyes and look at the things that are right in front of you. The present is all we have, so perhaps if we just do our very best every day, then life will fulfill itself.

Alignment

Charcoal skies full of promises pouring down

Etched with desires and a scribbled list of things to be done

Sorrows unattainable and feelings unexplainable

Just trying to find a shred of the sun

Well those stars they've been hiding

And I can't keep deciding

Just which half of this war has been won

Heavy clouds hang low daring me to walk beneath

So full to the brim they might burst

Dreams untouched I hoped too much

This fate I held on to is cursed

Well that silver outline 

It's impossible to find

And I can't determine what's worse

Solid ground crumbles with each step taken

That foundation was all I had 

Falling too fast please let this last

Before I have deemed myself mad

Well the air is thick

And I'm slipping quick

Losing control isn't so bad

The Times We Forget To Breathe

There is a fine line between dreams and reality

Some of the time

We don't have to think about anything

Sometimes the world is just there

Staring us right in the face

Saying, "I'm doing my best"

All I Ever Really Wanted

It was more than you could give

More than I could take

Half asleep

Half awake

Half in love

Half in hate

Too powerless to be resistant

Too careless to be persistent

You were here but you were gone

I never needed stability

I only needed closure

You took it all away

Having nothing at all is invigorating

Walking on air

Tip-toeing on the edge of a dream

Weightless and bare

If only you could see me now

Escape is under rated

Fading away into the light

Blind with ecstasy 

Sleeping on a sea of clouds

Dreaming in velvet and crimson

I forgot what it was like to know

So today, I let the world go

The concept of More

Someone who writes the songs (doesn't just play them).

Someone who means the words (doesn't just say them).

Someone who leaves (doesn't just walk away).

Someone who searches (doesn't just look).

Someone who gives (doesn't just need).

Someone who begs (doesn't just plead).

Someone who screams (doesn't just yell).

Someone who explains (doesn't just tell).

Someone who embraces (doesn't just hold).

Someone who lives (doesn't just exist).

Someone with a soul (not just a heart).

Last Night's Makeup

Another morning gone to waste

Because of a night filled with mistakes

Cheap drinks and bad taste

You had me at goodbye

As you walk away I follow the lead

To all of your beautiful lies

I never truly had you

And know I never will

I wish it wasn't true

But I'm addicted to the thrill

I cannot moderate your heart

I can't control my own free will

When you look at me the world stands still

And slowly starts to spin in reverse

You turn everything upside down

And everything I touch is cursed

My drink is half empty 

I try to leave

But you grab my hand and it's the death of me

So we stay up all night and I have no control

I lose myself with you

We finally fall asleep and I dream for hours

And in the morning I struggle to wake up

To the absence of your scent and last night's makeup

I will. I promise.

We were better than that.

We were better than all the roses, the chocolate, the jewelry, the gifts.

We had the sun, the stars, and each other. 

That's all we really needed. 

We were the real thing, weren't we?

You would run your fingers up and down my spine and then through my hair.

I would trace every part of your face, every inch of your body.

We breathed each other in, we became one.

So that if someday, we fell apart, our senses would never forget. 

That was a mistake. 

When I was around you, the universe was aligned perfectly.

There was no yesterday, no tomorrow.

Just now. 

Just you.

We were the real thing.

If only we could have stuck to our guns, and not have let the world get in our way.

But things started to fall out of place. 

People got in the way.

Feelings got in the way.

Time got in the way.

I went from being free to being a prisoner.

Bright eyes glazed over.

Chained to the hope that one day, things would go back to the way they used to be.

But they never did.

They only worsened.

My heart became an open wound, and you carved into it, relentlessly, every single day.

And it hurt like hell, each day less, until I became numb.

Reduced to nothing but a dull ache.

Then you came to my door, and you brought me a rose.

That was when I knew it was all over.

And a thousand thorns would feel like nothing compared to what I felt that day.

Gravity

It's almost funny how the universe works. How you can spend months and months wanting something, trying to forget, and the second you finally muster up the strength to turn your back, you run right into it again. Oh the irony of how the world spins in circles.

En Route

Stuck here for 3 more weeks. That's 21 days that I could lose my mind. 504 hours to think too much and eat too little. Too much time to wait. On an airplane looking out into the sky, gazing upon a sea of clouds, flying high above a world of pain and chaos. The sun like an amber rose, painting the white dreams into a color I can't describe, that will stain my memory for an eternity. Time stops here. I think of all the different ways my life will change in a matter of 5 days, all the people I will meet that I might not ever forget. Things I will bring back with me that will make my heart grow, and bring a whole new meaning to escaping one's own element. I could know the answer in a moment, or I could come back torn between two coastlines, two opposites that go together like black&white. Torn between the comfort of home, and the mysterious promise of a new beginning.

Impossible

I dream of a dream world, while you're up there in a cloud somewhere, living in it. But if you come back down to earth, I can show you around...and I promise it ain't that bad, babe. It ain't that bad.

They Say It's Easy

Drained a vain into a typewriter and claimed to be sane. Call me crazy but I think I enjoyed the pain.

Glow

The stars will shine brighter tonight.

And to think, all you had to do was smile.

Take me away

I don't think it's working. I'm wearing red heels and I've clicked them together 3 times. But I'm still here. 

I've walked these streets for years, and all I've found is solitude.

I’ve learned that life is unforgiving. You can fall flat on your face, and in an attempt to stand back up, you can slip and break your back. But you can look up at the sky, at the sun and the clouds, or the shape of the stars…and it can put you back on your feet. Then you can step forward, one foot after the other, until you learn to walk again. You can go anywhere you feel like going. You will meet perfect strangers that can change your life forever in an instant. You will learn things about yourself you never could have imagined. You can breathe in and out, over and over again until you realize that you aren’t just breathing, you are living. And every second you feel sorry for yourself is waste of time, because life can be anything you want it to be. Life can be as beautiful as it’s meant to be, if you just open your heart, open your mind, and open your eyes. Some may call it soul-searching, but if you don’t feel like searching for anything, you can wander until you stumble upon the verdict that there may not be an answer. And perhaps, by that time, you won’t need it anymore. Everything will fall into place. Because things don’t need to be perfect, they just need to feel right.

The best we can do is breathe

You're everything I see 

Everywhere I go

Every artist on the side of the street

Trying to sell his heart

Each writer with a pen in hand

Who doesn't know where to start

Each movement of a dancer

Spinning into a pirhouette

An empty soul walking through the park

Wondering if they still have a silhouette

Every homeless man in front of the liquor store

Asking for an extra cigarette

You're the stormcloud in the distance

Threatening to cry on me

You're the promise of persistence 

But now you're starting to die on me

You're the comfort of tomorrow

And the sadness of yesterday

The stranger that once was welcome

But so comfortable he wears his stay

You're the arrow that pierced my heart

But the angel was shooting from behind

I wasn't ready but here I stand

Trying to make the best of what I couldn't find

I didn't mean it

You mean nothing to me

You are my everything

Remind Me

Someday, we will just be stars in the sky. We will just be empty space. Someday, we will stop being nobodys and become nothing. Someday we will be stories, we will be words. Someday nobody will know what we looked like. Someday all of our pictures will fade away. Someday it will be as though we never existed. 


But we did. 


And we did it well.

Just breathe

You make all these plans, all these goals you want to achieve. All these things you will never do, because in two months, you'll change your mind. A "to-do" list that will only have half of the words crossed out. You have an vague idea, a picture in your head. Something to work towards.

You call this the future.

You have all these regrets, all these things you say you'll never do again. You know they'll be repeated. You look back, you remember everything like a silent movie playing in your head. Perfect lighting, perfect characters...if only it had a happy ending. The ending you wanted. But it didn't.

You call this the past.

Really, there is no future. There was no past. There is only the present. There is only now. For tomorrow may not come. Next summer may not come. A few years from now may not come. The truth is that the past and the future, they only make us feel nostalgic or unfulfilled. If we live for the moment, for the now, perhaps we can finally be happy.

Because the present is all there will ever be.

The End of All Things Complicated

So all I really wanted was to run away.
And for you to come with me.
No looking back.
No goodbyes.
We could look into each other's eyes.
And disappear together.

Next Time Never Comes

I've decided to stop believing in second chances. They exist only in our minds. Like some backup plan that we use to excuse ourselves from taking risks. From now on I will act on my first impulse...that might be the only thing with any meaning.

Oh yeah? Well you can go fuck yourself.

I'm the girl you put your arm around
Some prized possession you'll never know
The vanity you wouldn't let show
You'll never hold my hand
You'll never sing me to sleep
Another promise you couldn't keep
Like some sick tourist attraction
Everyone pays to watch and leave
The emptiness in a winter breeze
Desolate yet never alone
The irony that screams in your face
A good intention gone to waste
That's all you wanted, just a taste
So you'd know what you were missing
I'm the girl you thought you knew
But really, you don't have the slightest clue.

Something in the way you...

The way you move, moves me.

*

When I met you, I knew I had loved you before. Maybe in some other lifetime. Where I was a feather, and you were the wind.

this pill is too big to swallow

spin spin spinning out of control
torn up shattered and misused
you could have just thrown me away
or left me to rot
but you torture me
that's how i know you cared
because you won't stop
the look in your eyes still moves me
for a second you'll lose me
you're only hurting yourself
i've lost all sensation
no feelings
just emptiness that goes to the bone
i won't give in to your temptation

Without You

One of these days, the wind will change directions. And the earth will bring me back to you.

Let me be the first to tell you

That life shouldn't be wasted for a single second.
That you have a lot less time than you think.
That love is something that doesn't come around often.
That the money, the careers, and the success...it's not real.
That we have it all backwards.

Silver Platter

I forgive you because you need me in order to make yourself feel better.

I forgive you because you were deprived of all the things I took for granted.

I forgive you because you need things in order to feel worthy.

I forgive you because you don't know what it is to hit rock bottom.

I forgive you because you haven't worked for anything in order to achieve satisfaction.

I forgive you because you will never know what it is to have nothing.

I forgive you because you were handed everything.

I forgive you because you do not need.

I forgive you because all you do is expect.

I forgive you because you try to impress others by being what you think they want you to be.

I forgive you because you don't know how to be yourself.

I forgive you because you don't know who you are.


I forgive you because you, you do not understand. And you never will.

Trust Issues

Sometimes, all we need in life is reassurance. Some wiser person to tell us that we're going the right way, or doing the right thing. But most of us don't have that, and even if we did, we might not believe them. All we have is our intuition. All we really have, is ourselves.

so long

Don't hold on too tight
Don't let go too soon
I wanted to love you with everything
but I simply had no room
I said I was sorry and I said I'd try
to observe things in a different light
I was too blind to see
Too young and too naive
So I followed you closely
to pick up all the pieces that trailed behind
Only to stumble and find
that some things can't be healed with time
You could have kissed me goodbye
Instead you disappeared
And every dying day
Turned from weeks to months to years
And every smile that slipped away
Turned into silent breathless tears
All tangled up and twisted
It's as though you never existed
You're just a distant memory
Of a perfect something that could never be

ode to the unknown

i took the picture frames off the wall
tore down all the posters
of people who inspired me
packed up all the memories
of who i used to be
situated in boxes perfectly
i'll move them somewhere new
i threw out what wasn't needed
perhaps someone will find it
stumble upon the young girl
once innocent and pure
the girl who grew up too fast
and decided for certain that she was unsure
with dreams too big
and means too small
who started out behind
but knew she'd pass them all
someday
i'm sitting cross-legged in an empty room
an organized nightmare beneath
shouting at an echo
that screams right back at me
knowing i can let go
of all these useless parts you cannot see
hidden well underneath the surface
let's raise our glasses to new beginnings
to what we don't yet know
to trusting everything
that the darkness fails to show

this is the closest thing to hell i've seen, and you're living in it.

i saw it with my naked eyes
all the things that lay underneath
hidden beneath the surface
the things we pretend not to see
what we choose to ignore
this is what we're dying for
living in fear constantly
we turn away and forget
the moments we should be paying attention to
ignorance is bliss
until it slaps you in the face
once you hit that solid ground
it all starts to change
maybe if something was said
perhaps if something was done
then it wouldn't dig so deep
heads hang low in defeat
because of choosing to be blind
these moments are yours to keep
no matter how fucked up or unkind
let's cross our fingers to disappear
although we know it will never work
there's no escape from yesterday
and no avoiding tomorrow
so if it's pushing today aside
look into the mirror
and you'll see the things you cannot hide
we need to make a difference
and save the beauty that's left behind
say something nothing anything
to heal the ruins of time

halfway home

sometimes i forget where love comes from
sometimes i forget where smiles start
sometimes i forget what it's like to feel safe
sometimes i forget what it's like to let go
sometimes i forget the sound of silence
sometimes i forget how to breathe
sometimes i forget how to sleep
sometimes i forget how it feels to be touched
sometimes i forget how it feels to be loved
sometimes i forget what it's like to be selfless
sometimes i forget what it's like to be careless
sometimes i forget how to cry
sometimes i forget how to scream
sometimes i forget how to be

all i want is to be

freedom is not something that is given to you, it is something you find inside yourself.

the messengers left this city long ago

What's the harm in truth?
This ink pen has no use
In a world filled with lies
All dolled up in a disguise
Nowhere to go but down
One more night out on the town
To see people I could care less about
Exchanging fake smiles from across the room
They either use or they consume
As I watch them from afar
Are they who they say they are?
Or just lying to themselves?
I'm stuck inside some private hell
Wondering if my soul would sell
For all that it was worth
I can't tell you what's worse
Than my restless mind becoming a curse
They call it the city of angels
I've been searching for something heaven sent
Every day for years and years
Perhaps along with our descent
All the angels disappeared

ages ago

When I was young, I chose the bedroom with the window ledge over the bedroom with the full-length mirrors. Because even at 12 years old, I had a vague idea of what was more important in life.

the ghost of you

your tears scream in silence
your eyes haunt my mind
i no longer feel your heart beat
it used to keep me alive
to have and to hold
your warm hands feel so cold
as i try to remember
the way things used to be
you look my way but you don't see
that i too no longer exist
i promised i wouldn't change
well i broke it
just like you shattered everything
i never thought your smile could hurt
and now i look away
i won't turn toward our yesterday
i'll walk in the other direction
the furthest stride from your perfection
you couldn't handle it anyway
you made it a point
to strangle the good things
until they were dead like you
you wander the streets empty handed
i walk these streets broken hearted
you were too numb to care
stripped down bare to the bone
i could have shown you everything
if only you would have have known
but i still stand on my own
shaking but strong
the wrong cannot be undone
i saw straight through the ghost of you
then realized that's all you were

opposite of what you had hoped for

my breath ends as yours begins
your hate is my love
your good will my sin
you make my heart stop
you make my head spin
and i hope that
you'll do it all over again

take me back, i beg you

I wanna go back and relive the days I didn't appreciate until now. The days when my only worry was choosing an outfit that I wouldn't get in trouble for at school. The days when I believed in everything and doubted nothing. When I loved with my whole heart, not a bunch of jumbled up pieces sewn back together. When holding hands meant you were boyfriend and girlfriend, not some complicated excuse for a relationship. When we would break into hotel pools during summertime, and pray that we wouldn't get kicked out before we got a tan. When I didn't feel guilty for having fun. The days when getting drunk wouldn't cost $100. When we would meet in the halls and pass notes folded into perfect shapes, containing the secrets to all of our lives. The days when I would eat two bowls of captain crunch and not worry how many calories were in each bite. When everything was an adventure. When we would climb houses in the midst of being built and drink beer on the rooftops, thinking we were on top of the world. The days where rain didn't mean staying inside, it meant boogie-boarding down the iceplant, smiling ear to ear and soaked to the bone. When getting all dolled up and going nowhere was the highlight of our saturday nights. When we would ride our skateboards 2 miles to the store, praying the boys would see us and think we were cool. When I would send postcards on family trips to friends, knowing I'd be back before it would arrive in their mailboxes. The days when I would still pinch myself to see if something was a dream or reality. The days when I didn't need to bring money to school for food, because if you asked 15 people for a quarter, you'd have enough for a chicken sandwich. When I wanted to be older and didn't fear being older. I wonder what the old me would say to the new one.

hello life

oh irony, oh tragedy...how you coincide so perfectly. like some fucked up kind of symphony.

"from now on, from here on out, i solemnly swear to..."

If I want something, I am going to reach out and grab it. This goes for anything and anyone. No more acts of shyness, no more waiting for something to come to me. Life is too short to wait around. So I'm going to take control of my world, and take over the world...and I surely hope you don't mind.

Don't worry, it's all make believe

Up too late, on a rooftop, underneath your sheets. The night admits defeat, and the morning rises. I look into your eyes... it's surreal to have you next to me. The sunlight hits your hair, your shoulders bare...it isn't fair the way you get to me. We gaze at the sky and piece together a story made out of clouds. My heart is beating loud and I'm surprised it doesn't burst. You say love is a blessing, well I say it's a curse. You're a mid-summertime daydream, hazy and out of focus. I light your cigarette...there's not a moment I regret with you. You tell me to kiss you, so I no longer pretend I'm in between. Tangerine, my tangerine...not a reflection, but a silhouette of a dream. Fell for all the things I thought I'd seen...but they were out of my control. I'll always wonder, but never know. I suppose that's the first step towards letting go.

inner turmoil

I have followed this path for years with a smile on my face, eager to succeed. Over these years I have changed, blossomed, but lately I have grown tired and weak with frustration. Not because I can't keep going, but because I'm not sure that it's what I want anymore. And instead of trudging ahead without thinking or doubting, I am beginning to stagger. I do not look back, but instead I am looking around me for something else, something that better suits me. I am full with feelings of despair and failure. Nothing feels worse than realizing you've been wasting your time, energy, effort, heart and soul for no reason. I want to cry and scream but I can't. I feel like I've turned into stone. All these feelings rage inside me and it makes me pysically, mentally, and emotionally ill. I wish there was a sign staring me straight in the face, or a wise person who could tell me which direction to go. This path has been clear for years but now I can hardly see it. I see others that my heart desires but am afraid that they, too, will become unpromising and disappointing. I feel like the world is against me every day. I am lost and feel I should be found. Either that or I should disappear.

epiphany

don't remember me as a girl
remember me as a feeling
as a moment
as a transition of your heartbeat
the pause in time when it stands still
as a painting
as a loophole in your thoughts
the screaming of a violin
that was too beautiful to listen to
remember me as a song
the one you never finished
because it was composed too perfectly
don't remember me for what i did
remember me for who i was
and who i'll never be again

last minute

you told me to look you in the eye
and forget about the crowd inside
cuz they don't have a clue
well i know the you that's true
and i don't have to pretend
i could forget it all for you
suddenly this room doesn't feel so small
i hold my breath in deep
tonight i'm yours to keep
this place hasn't changed a bit
but you have and so have i
i can't lie to myself anymore
i'm fighting off the sorrow
so let's drink the night away
and wake up with our problems tomorrow

all i want to do is

travel. all i want to do is travel. all i want to do is travel. all i want to do is leave. all i want to do is leave. always gone always gone always gone. and i'm stuck here.

draw the line

you say there are no rules. i say there are no boundaries.

Driving

The amber evening sun was shining just right...just enough to saturate my surroundings in vivid shades of color. My window was down, the air was warm, and I had a smile on my face. The song playing on the radio was so fitting that I felt like I was in a movie with the perfect soundtrack. Life, by no means, felt perfect...but perfectly okay. It's rare to catch yourself in moments of happiness. More often I have found myself reminiscing, "I was happy then". Today I thought to myself, "I am happy". Today was a beautiful day.

sweet yesterday

they say a picture paints a thousand words
i say it's more than that
as i look through these pictures of you
years seem like lifetimes ago
and each moment that passes by
you become further from me
no matter how close you are
as i fade away into a ghost
what hurts the most
is that the feelings we felt
in these frozen memories
will never be the same again
i thought we'd never grow apart
i feel uneasy when i see you
because i don't know you anymore
we embrace but you make sure not to hold me too tight
if i were to hold you like i used to
would you come back to me again?
we could talk about everything
say all the things we couldn't
all the things we were too afraid to say
because now more than ever
i realize that time can pass us by
those three dreaded words that tore us apart
we were too young to understand them anyway
but after all this time i know it now
and i'm afraid it's too late

again? say it twice.

you look into my eyes your hands against the wall
i can tell you're uneasy yet you still stand strong and tall
i hesitate to move closer for i may lose control
i try to keep my distance but you draw me in
just like you always have before you always seem to win
the way i feel around you i cannot describe
i feel beautiful and new i feel so alive
but it has been too long since i've seen the likes of you
that's why i can hardly breathe with ease when i finally do
you walk straight through the door and take me by surprise
when i see your face the sadness lingering inside me dies
then i hear your voice and it sounds like a symphony
feel like i'm walking around in circles without a way to see
i almost wish you'd disappear so i can breathe again
the way you moderate my heart really digs beneath my skin
but it's the same old story when the night comes to an end
i fall head over heels but never hear from you again
that's why i hate myself when i think of you before i sleep
full of secrets that you and i could only bear to keep
so i will forget you from here on out and i hope you don't mind
perhaps this lucid feeling will fade away with time

reverse

Love can be understanding, kind, patient, heart-warming, indescribable, and beautiful. Love can be unforgiving, treacherous, blinding, heart-wrenching, devastating, and destructive. Most people are not fortunate enough to experience the former alone, without it being followed by the latter. That is why love is the strongest power in existance. It can be the best and the worst in us. Love is in everything, even in hate.

seek

in between the doldrums and the positivity
in between the miracles and the tragedies
in between the love and the hatred
in between darkness and dawn
in between the sunlight and the skyline
in between the laughter and the tears
in between falling asleep and dreaming
in between giving up and letting go
is where you will find hope
all you have to do is search where no one else is looking

ending

The worst pain of somebody leaving isn't watching them walk away, or knowing they're gone. It's realizing that they aren't coming back.

we can still hold on

if things are falling apart
let them break.
don't hold any feeling too tight
sometimes good memories are the ones that hurt the most.
never love too greatly
if someone has control of your heart, they have control of everything.

I am still me without you

I mistook lust for something more. You mistook me for something less.

FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS

WE'RE GONNA START A REVOLUTION

not titled

I am the wind beneath your wings
Everything that you ignored
Everything you took for granted
All the signs you failed to see
All the unspoken thoughts
that you smiled to yourself about
All the chances that slipped away
All the pennies you threw into that wishing well
All the times you crossed your fingers
Every candle you blew out
Every toast you raised your glass to
I am your eleven past eleven
Every moment you held your breath
Every time you closed your eyes and hoped for something better
I am the charm you clenched too tightly (it was only for good luck)
I am the shoulder you failed to cry on
The best friend you never confided in
All the secrets you did not tell
All the letters you wrote but could not send
I am the crowd that cheered you on
when you did not believe in yourself
I was the one in the corner smiling
when everyone else was unsure
I was always there
I have always been there
And nothing will change

too careless

where will you find yourself when it all comes crashing down?
all the things you love and hate laying side by side.
shattered in pieces on the ground.

balance

here i stand
at the edge of the world
i knew it wasn't round
i cannot hear a sound
my toes are over the edge
i'm looking down
i see everything
the future and the past
my heart is fluttering
it's beating much too fast
i'm frozen with fear
yet flowing with adrenaline
my blood raging beneath my skin
looking down into a crystal ball
i suddenly begin to realize
i haven't seen the depths of this world at all
i see that there is beauty in everything
even in pain, in darkness, in rain
in happiness and in sunlight
i try to keep my balance with all my might
before my vision fades from sight
a tear cascades down my cheek
i feel as strong as i do weak
all i want to do is live a life fulfilled
i won't let my soul or spirit be killed
my heart is racing as time stands still
i close my eyes and take a step back
i slowly turn to walk away
and i will look at the sky
much differently today
i will appreciate all that comes my way

stay up

Why is it that my head and heart can never agree?
I feel like two different people
What a perfect example of irony
Do ya miss me?
Do ya hate me?
But you need me
Cuz ya love me
No wonder we throw ourselves over balconies
Mr. Elliott Smith proved
Not to be so crazy
Hey Mr. Misery
You’re not alone
I can’t find a house
That feels like a home
My heart wasn’t beating
It was just the outside pounding
On flesh covering stone
Did you see it all coming?
Spare me the "I told you so"
Just turn around and start running
So i can finally let it go

blindfold

I wished upon a shooting star
I lost my breath on that crystal flower
I crossed my fingers until they turned blue
So now I’ll leave it up to you
To let my dreams come true
I believed in all those fairy tales
I saw the castle up in the sky
I gave up on wondering and asking why
I could never make up my mind
So I left it up to fate
The answer to indecision
The artist that could paint my vision
The muse that could encompass
All that I could never be
The blind man that described perfectly
All those things I could not see
The light that guided me home
When the night was cold and black
The gut feeling that led me in the right direction
When I had wandered off and lost track
The blood flow that kept my heart beating
When my soul had given up
The record that scratched and kept repeating
All the words that gave me faith in love
The pain of a pinprick in paralysis
Like being blindfolded and finding the perfect kiss

this crazy breed

After all, I'm only human
Forgive me for these reckless mistakes
Forget the time it takes for me to come around
I can only stand for so long with my two feet on the ground.
My flaws will not fix themselves
My attitude won't change
If you keep trying to perfect me
I'll just become more disarranged.

Society, you sicken me
With eyes that judge and do not see
A lying tongue and blackened heart
Consumed by greed and vanity
We are poisoned from the start
You move slow like a disease
That will kill us all with secrecy.

After all, I'm just a girl
Forgive me for my foolish ways
Forget the days I spend lost inside a dream
I can only hold my breath so long before I start to scream.
I don't want you to love me
I don't want you to think me fair
It's just a facade I've made because I do not care
Just an illusion that you see, because I am not there.

Society, you sicken me
With arms that hug but do not hold
Look at what you've done to me
All these lies you've told
We believed you from the start
And now you sit back and watch
As we fall victim to your every move and tear ourselves apart.

today and tomorrow

i awoke without hesitation
i awoke full of inspiration
with a song in my head
and a story to tell
i smiled in the midst of salvation.

i walked the streets with my heart on my sleeve
i walked the streets with the need to believe
my head was held high
and eyes straight ahead
i did not shiver in the crisp autumn breeze.

i left that day without looking back
i left that day with no plan of attack
i knew nothing at all
and i knew everything
i had to wander off the beaten track

i dreamt that night the wildest of dreams
i dreamt that night of the things in between
of things forgotten
and things to come
i arrived in the future that i once had seen.

everything in its right place

Slow like a movie
Sweet as a song
Always wanting more
As I breathe you in
I don't want to exhale.

birth

Each morning I awaken with a different thought in my head, a different feeling. It's as though I am a new person each day, even if just for that single moment. Sometimes I wake with a question, sometimes with a goal, sometimes with a destination, and sometimes with nothing at all. I wonder who I am, who I have been, and who I will be. But one thing stays the same...I wake up alone. Wether it be by myself or next to somebody, it does not change. That being said, I am left with a lot of time to think. Throughout our lives we are taught many things. How to walk, how to speak, how to share, how to read, how to write, how to think, how to process, how to be successful...the list goes on. But we are never taught how to love, how to lose, how to fail, how to be happy, how to cry, or how to simply manage. I suppose these things are expected to be innate to us all. We are always seeking answers. Some of us learn through experience, while others are at a constant loss. We are told from the beginning that in order for life to be complete, we must fall in love, get married, and have children. But many of us come from broken families and broken homes...the only love we know lays in shambles scattered across the floor. When we are young and naive, we expect life to be a breeze, we believe that love is like a fairytale. We can't wait to grow older. We think that all things are beautiful, all smiles genuine, and that the words we hear and stories we are told consist of nothing but truth and fact. Then we become older, we doubt, and we rebel when we start to see the reality of it all. We see how the world works and how people are. We begin to search for and examine the dark side of things, mostly because we were never shown. We try to find our purpose in this world every day. I often wonder if anyone can say they have truly succeeded in finding it. I suppose we could go on forever trying to make sense of things, however, I feel that nothing is meant to make sense. I feel that life exists simply for us to enjoy it. Perhaps we as people are too complex, always complicating things. Maybe life is just as simple as it was from the first moment we opened our eyes to see it...

fixation

sweet addiction, you got the best of me
you take my breath from me
then vanish like the sun
and re-appear each morning
i wish you'd go away
but come mid day
i fade away
and come each night
i hate myself
and you for being right
i try to fight
i try to fight
but never win
the rush of sin
is like adrenaline beneath my skin
they'll never know
one day i'll go
far away from here
i always dream to disappear
and you help me do it
yes you do
i'm gone and no one has a clue

piece of mind. peace of mind.

In my failed attempt to make a difference in this world, I stumbled upon an unintended success in finding myself. I have learned that the ones we love the most are the ones that can hurt us the worst, and that getting hurt is the only thing that can make us stronger. That the more we cry, the less we feel the pain. That the angrier we become, the less we have control. I've learned that the more we know, the less we judge. That we can only learn with an open mind, and a closed mind just leads to arrogance and naivety. That sometimes we need to look at the bigger picture in order to notice the smaller details. That enjoying the simple things in life are the only things that can make it seem less complicated. I've learned that we cannot love another if we hate ourselves. That we cannot succeed if we cannot handle failure. That the less we have, the more we appreciate. That the more we have, the more we want, and the greedier we become. I've learned that you cannot love with a broken heart. That the slower we move, the more we see. I've learned that you can't let go unless you are ready to, but if you hold on to something for too long then you will never escape the past. I've learned that things and people change, and there is nothing any of us can do to avoid it. I've learned that the most beautiful things in life are often found when we are not searching for them. I've learned that hope is the only intangible thing that can keep us going, and if that is all we have, that is enough.

whisper. talk. shout. scream. silence.

Can you hear me?
Can you see me?
Can you taste me?
I’ve lost myself
Somewhere inside you
And I don’t know where to go
Forget me
Forgive me
Or never let me know
I feel you
I can’t keep it together
Anymore
I shed no tears
It’s all inside
Building up
Until I choke
On the words I couldn’t say
I mean this when I say it
Please just stay away
It’s simple
And real
I can’t be touched
Nor can I feel
So do as I say
One day you will realize
It’s better off this way

embrace

Here I stand, disoriented
In all these unfamiliar places
Sick of people and their two faces
You will not find me here again
I'll disappear in time
Leave nothing but my words behind
Forgotten just as quickly as I had escaped
I always wanteed more than this world could give
Afraid not of dying, but to never have lived
I tried making the best of what I was able
Enjoying the times that were shaken and unstable
The ride is always better than the destination
So reached out in my salvation
My reflection a stranger
Myself unknown
I've felt whole and complete
I've felt alone
I've been real and I've been an illusion
I've felt welcome
I've been an intrusion
Life is often misunderstood
We always search desparately for an answer
Perhaps it doesn't exist
And in our constant questioning we've missed
All the things that might give us meaning
That are full of truth and comfort
I'm in no hurry to know
I'll take my time
As time lets me go
I will lead a life fulfilled
For I did not live in fear of the end
But learned to enjoy the thrill

breathe in, breathe out

i saw it all
it passed me by
i let it go
you asked me why
i never cared
i told you i
was never there
it's over now
dead and gone
time lingers on
kindred spirits
broken thoughts
empty souls
forget all those
forget me nots
i swear you were
a waking dream
drowning in
an endless stream
left behind
never mine
never yours
never ours
cross your heart
you told a lie
all was lost
broken and torn
helpless and forlorn
an untraceable cost
i do not feel
the day is quiet
the night yells
first in heaven
then to hell
now i cannot tell
sheer delight
beaten to despair
what is ugly
was once so fair
i cannot bare
my soul to share
another moment
with another
or to uncover
another mask
a simple movement
with an endless task
i choose to be
on my own
i choose to be
alone

thank you, kindly, for your persitance

but i have chosen the path of least resistance

vacation

all i ever wanted, vacation...time to get away.

i don't know how i'm gonna tell you...i can't play with you no more

darlin if you're hurtin, you know you can come home. there are far better things to do than sit around alone. there are things that can bring you happiness that you never would have known. i know i've been away but i'm trying to make it back. in attempting to find out who i am i feel like i've just lost track. i wanted to feel something inside but instead ran into the love i lack. although i look up at the sky and it's painted the deepest blue, i cannot feel the sunshine if i'm not looking at you. i miss you more than you know, and sometimes i don't know what to do. i remember when we were kids and i thought we'd never be apart. you were the only person i'd let anywhere near my heart. i care about you now just as much as i did from the start. if i could take you with me, babe you know i would. but we're living in different worlds somehow, and that would do no good. maybe in some distant time and place, we will end up together. and you can finally believe me when i said i'd love you forever. and we can smile and laugh just like we're living in a dream. until then i'll be thinking of you while we're stuck here in between.

it's strange

how beautiful people look when they're walking out the door

stranger, i wish i knew

isolated but inviting
desolate and brooding
a breath of something exciting
you set me off
hope i'm not intruding
but i need to know your name
your soul it speaks to me
and now i'm not the same
i'll do what ever it takes
to get to know you better
so let's run away together
and make some mistakes
you're the cure to feed my starving eyes
i see past your beautiful disguise
you might be the only real thing
walkin' around this ghost town
i'd love to hear you sing
when it all turns upside down
you make me feel unsure
and now i just want more
you may be hard to read
but i'll try my best
you're not like all the rest
i'm standing but my knees are shakin'
my head is fine but my body is achin'
so come and set me free
too blind with pleasure to see
so what's a girl to do
stranger, i wish i knew

if you walk away i'll walk away

i tried to hold back. to keep my composure and hold everything in. now i give up. you win. too much time has passed and i shouldn't think like this. shouldn't dream of your eyes or your kiss. but there you are. alive and well. time will tell. time will yell. time will scream your name. i hope you're still the same. hope nothing has changed. hope some hope remains. feelings come and go. it was one hell of a show. they'll never even know.

have we reached the point of no return yet?

i want to know what it's like to turn my back on it all

words that mean nothing

you watched as the clouds drifted slowly through the summer sky. you asked me why everything always passes you by. you said you wanted to abandon something just to see what it feels like to be on the other side. but you're an angel, don't you see? you don't know how much you mean to me. the cold embrace of this world is bittersweet. it can destroy some, but you and i stay alive in our defeat. you told me i could achieve all the things that i desire if i just believe. here on earth our spirits roam. i think my soul has turned into stone. are we living or are we dying? i just can't tell. one man's kingdom can be another man's hell. perhaps it's both of the two. go ahead and bid your farewell. i promise i will never tell. and if i hurt you, i am sorry. please know that none of it was ever easy. so please don't watch me as i walk away, because i can feel it. if you want my heart you have to steal it. you tell me i am complicated, but the truth is i just don't care. each move is never orchestrated. i'm sorry if i've been unfair. falling in love is much tooover rated. i'm in my own world and that is where i'll stay. you're talking to me but i can't hear a word you say. life will forever be a sweet surrender. you will always be what i remember.

i hold secrets i can no longer keep
these thoughts and feelings run too deep
i never got the chance to tell you
but when i hear your voice my knees go weak
you are the sunlight breaking through the clouds
all the whispers i couldn't scream out loud
you're the bad habit i could never break
the chance that i could never take
the smile that i couldn't fake
i lay awake and cannot sleep
i wander through dark empty streets
the stop lights change from red to green
you are the future unforseen
my reoccuring pointless dream
i want it all to end
perhaps this pain will never mend
i can't live in a world of pretend
this all just has to fade
forget the promises i made
forget my love kept hidden in the shade
you never would have stayed
i forgot what it was that i chased after
love is not meant to be a disaster
i know some things just cannot be
there never was a you and me.

^^the dreamers^^

As slow as the world seems to turn, sometimes it can make you dizzy. Time can pass you by in an instant, the blink of an eye. And you can either choose to look back or look ahead. Regret can overwhelm the mind as it is easier for some to reminisce then to imagine. It's easy to sit around all day and wonder how things could have been, or how different things would be now. But the purpose of life is to keep living, to keep going, no matter how hard it is. Regardless of our surroundings, we see what we want to see. we ignore what we wish wasn't there. If it's so simple to manipulate the present, then how come it's impossible to change the past or see the future? Perhaps that is the reason we keep going. Mystery is more intriguing than what we see with the naked eye. Existance is what we make of it. Some things truly are out of our hands, but most of the time it's just an excuse we make for giving up. The truth is that failure is easier than triumph. It's much less of an effort to surrender and go back to our daily routine than it is to brave the unfamiliar. To enter a world of the unknown is terrifying. It's like slipping into a dark hole and not having anything to hold on to or slow you from breaking your fall. Some are okay with comfort, while others strive to encounter that fear. It's like an itch, not necissarily what you want to be done, but what has to be done. Many spend their lives being warm and comfortable, content with reality. The remainder aren't happy unless they're chasing something, wether it be reaching for the stars or swimming to the horizon. Never knowing is what keeps them alive...

beautifully broken

He was a beautiful mess. He seemed to look his best when he was fallin apart. And as he stumbled toward me, his eyes fixated straight ahead, I knew he had stolen my heart. Drawn in by the words he never said, the unspoken passion was there from the start. He could make me feel the sunlight when there wasn't a trace of blue in the sky. I didn't want to sleep at night because he was a waking dream that could never die. Such an organized disaster all scattered everywhere, his eyes were full of despair but his old soul was true. So genuinely ill-prepared for all the simple things he never knew. He wears his façade with elegance, so scared of something real. It's safe to say he's confident when everything is concealed. He can't be aware of his misery if he never has to feel. A walking broken tragedy, so vulnerable in his sadness, there was some sort of sick temptation in all those fucked up nights of madness. He slowly started to lose control, and I reached out my trembling hand. I said ((I cannot save you, as you know, but I promise I can understand)). He said he never expected life itself to ravage all his plans. We all wish for things to work out, but in the end they simply never can. He learned to fake a smile and pretend that it all was fine. I think he even fooled himself because he couldn't draw the line. They say everything heals with time but that just isn't true. Time can carve into a wound and make it sting like it was new. It just gets deeper and deeper until it becomes a part of you. He carried an emotional burden and it was starting to wear him down. He said the same thing that sucked him in was what made him want to leave this town. Trapped into being free isn't as invigorating as it sounds. If I could convince him that there was a chance and something better stood ahead, I would. I'd say all the hopeful words I meant, and I'd believe it all if I only could. I'd tell him that everything would be okay, but in this day all words and feelings do no good.

society

II

Society

You hide behind your mask and think it looks good as long as you look like everyone else. As long as you don't stand out. You take in everyone else's thoughts, everyone else's views and try to claim them as your own. You're so brainwashed that you truly think they are a part of you. You point out others' insecurities in hopes that no one will notice yours. I'd rather stand naked and vulnerable in the light than safe and comfortable in the shadows. I'm sick of society, I'm sick of everyone. You have a cigarette in one hand and a bottle in the other, you yell out, "live fast and die young!!"....are you even living? You have everything mixed up. You mistake vanity for beauty, but something beautiful is never vain. The only way you can tell if someone is truly beautiful is by observing them when they think no one is looking. The word "love" rolls off your tongue much too frequent and far too easily. Love is not something that goes away. If you find yourself saying it to every significant other that you have, chances are it isn't real. You talk of dreams and hopes and passions and goals as if they will just fall into your lap. You look into the future and tremble. You look back at the past and cringe. The purpose of mistakes is not for them to be repeated and excused, but to teach you something. You learn nothing and gain nothing but ignorance. You hear songs but not the music, you read words but don't know the meaning. You view change with fear in your eyes and see no opportunity. You'd sell your soul to experience fame even if you were loved and praised for all the wrong reasons. You flaunt your facade with pride and hide who you are with shame. Your soul is empty and this fucked up world is to blame.