"from now on, from here on out, i solemnly swear to..."

If I want something, I am going to reach out and grab it. This goes for anything and anyone. No more acts of shyness, no more waiting for something to come to me. Life is too short to wait around. So I'm going to take control of my world, and take over the world...and I surely hope you don't mind.

Don't worry, it's all make believe

Up too late, on a rooftop, underneath your sheets. The night admits defeat, and the morning rises. I look into your eyes... it's surreal to have you next to me. The sunlight hits your hair, your shoulders bare...it isn't fair the way you get to me. We gaze at the sky and piece together a story made out of clouds. My heart is beating loud and I'm surprised it doesn't burst. You say love is a blessing, well I say it's a curse. You're a mid-summertime daydream, hazy and out of focus. I light your cigarette...there's not a moment I regret with you. You tell me to kiss you, so I no longer pretend I'm in between. Tangerine, my tangerine...not a reflection, but a silhouette of a dream. Fell for all the things I thought I'd seen...but they were out of my control. I'll always wonder, but never know. I suppose that's the first step towards letting go.

inner turmoil

I have followed this path for years with a smile on my face, eager to succeed. Over these years I have changed, blossomed, but lately I have grown tired and weak with frustration. Not because I can't keep going, but because I'm not sure that it's what I want anymore. And instead of trudging ahead without thinking or doubting, I am beginning to stagger. I do not look back, but instead I am looking around me for something else, something that better suits me. I am full with feelings of despair and failure. Nothing feels worse than realizing you've been wasting your time, energy, effort, heart and soul for no reason. I want to cry and scream but I can't. I feel like I've turned into stone. All these feelings rage inside me and it makes me pysically, mentally, and emotionally ill. I wish there was a sign staring me straight in the face, or a wise person who could tell me which direction to go. This path has been clear for years but now I can hardly see it. I see others that my heart desires but am afraid that they, too, will become unpromising and disappointing. I feel like the world is against me every day. I am lost and feel I should be found. Either that or I should disappear.

epiphany

don't remember me as a girl
remember me as a feeling
as a moment
as a transition of your heartbeat
the pause in time when it stands still
as a painting
as a loophole in your thoughts
the screaming of a violin
that was too beautiful to listen to
remember me as a song
the one you never finished
because it was composed too perfectly
don't remember me for what i did
remember me for who i was
and who i'll never be again

last minute

you told me to look you in the eye
and forget about the crowd inside
cuz they don't have a clue
well i know the you that's true
and i don't have to pretend
i could forget it all for you
suddenly this room doesn't feel so small
i hold my breath in deep
tonight i'm yours to keep
this place hasn't changed a bit
but you have and so have i
i can't lie to myself anymore
i'm fighting off the sorrow
so let's drink the night away
and wake up with our problems tomorrow

all i want to do is

travel. all i want to do is travel. all i want to do is travel. all i want to do is leave. all i want to do is leave. always gone always gone always gone. and i'm stuck here.

draw the line

you say there are no rules. i say there are no boundaries.

Driving

The amber evening sun was shining just right...just enough to saturate my surroundings in vivid shades of color. My window was down, the air was warm, and I had a smile on my face. The song playing on the radio was so fitting that I felt like I was in a movie with the perfect soundtrack. Life, by no means, felt perfect...but perfectly okay. It's rare to catch yourself in moments of happiness. More often I have found myself reminiscing, "I was happy then". Today I thought to myself, "I am happy". Today was a beautiful day.

sweet yesterday

they say a picture paints a thousand words
i say it's more than that
as i look through these pictures of you
years seem like lifetimes ago
and each moment that passes by
you become further from me
no matter how close you are
as i fade away into a ghost
what hurts the most
is that the feelings we felt
in these frozen memories
will never be the same again
i thought we'd never grow apart
i feel uneasy when i see you
because i don't know you anymore
we embrace but you make sure not to hold me too tight
if i were to hold you like i used to
would you come back to me again?
we could talk about everything
say all the things we couldn't
all the things we were too afraid to say
because now more than ever
i realize that time can pass us by
those three dreaded words that tore us apart
we were too young to understand them anyway
but after all this time i know it now
and i'm afraid it's too late

again? say it twice.

you look into my eyes your hands against the wall
i can tell you're uneasy yet you still stand strong and tall
i hesitate to move closer for i may lose control
i try to keep my distance but you draw me in
just like you always have before you always seem to win
the way i feel around you i cannot describe
i feel beautiful and new i feel so alive
but it has been too long since i've seen the likes of you
that's why i can hardly breathe with ease when i finally do
you walk straight through the door and take me by surprise
when i see your face the sadness lingering inside me dies
then i hear your voice and it sounds like a symphony
feel like i'm walking around in circles without a way to see
i almost wish you'd disappear so i can breathe again
the way you moderate my heart really digs beneath my skin
but it's the same old story when the night comes to an end
i fall head over heels but never hear from you again
that's why i hate myself when i think of you before i sleep
full of secrets that you and i could only bear to keep
so i will forget you from here on out and i hope you don't mind
perhaps this lucid feeling will fade away with time

reverse

Love can be understanding, kind, patient, heart-warming, indescribable, and beautiful. Love can be unforgiving, treacherous, blinding, heart-wrenching, devastating, and destructive. Most people are not fortunate enough to experience the former alone, without it being followed by the latter. That is why love is the strongest power in existance. It can be the best and the worst in us. Love is in everything, even in hate.

seek

in between the doldrums and the positivity
in between the miracles and the tragedies
in between the love and the hatred
in between darkness and dawn
in between the sunlight and the skyline
in between the laughter and the tears
in between falling asleep and dreaming
in between giving up and letting go
is where you will find hope
all you have to do is search where no one else is looking

ending

The worst pain of somebody leaving isn't watching them walk away, or knowing they're gone. It's realizing that they aren't coming back.

we can still hold on

if things are falling apart
let them break.
don't hold any feeling too tight
sometimes good memories are the ones that hurt the most.
never love too greatly
if someone has control of your heart, they have control of everything.

I am still me without you

I mistook lust for something more. You mistook me for something less.

FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS

WE'RE GONNA START A REVOLUTION

not titled

I am the wind beneath your wings
Everything that you ignored
Everything you took for granted
All the signs you failed to see
All the unspoken thoughts
that you smiled to yourself about
All the chances that slipped away
All the pennies you threw into that wishing well
All the times you crossed your fingers
Every candle you blew out
Every toast you raised your glass to
I am your eleven past eleven
Every moment you held your breath
Every time you closed your eyes and hoped for something better
I am the charm you clenched too tightly (it was only for good luck)
I am the shoulder you failed to cry on
The best friend you never confided in
All the secrets you did not tell
All the letters you wrote but could not send
I am the crowd that cheered you on
when you did not believe in yourself
I was the one in the corner smiling
when everyone else was unsure
I was always there
I have always been there
And nothing will change

too careless

where will you find yourself when it all comes crashing down?
all the things you love and hate laying side by side.
shattered in pieces on the ground.

balance

here i stand
at the edge of the world
i knew it wasn't round
i cannot hear a sound
my toes are over the edge
i'm looking down
i see everything
the future and the past
my heart is fluttering
it's beating much too fast
i'm frozen with fear
yet flowing with adrenaline
my blood raging beneath my skin
looking down into a crystal ball
i suddenly begin to realize
i haven't seen the depths of this world at all
i see that there is beauty in everything
even in pain, in darkness, in rain
in happiness and in sunlight
i try to keep my balance with all my might
before my vision fades from sight
a tear cascades down my cheek
i feel as strong as i do weak
all i want to do is live a life fulfilled
i won't let my soul or spirit be killed
my heart is racing as time stands still
i close my eyes and take a step back
i slowly turn to walk away
and i will look at the sky
much differently today
i will appreciate all that comes my way

stay up

Why is it that my head and heart can never agree?
I feel like two different people
What a perfect example of irony
Do ya miss me?
Do ya hate me?
But you need me
Cuz ya love me
No wonder we throw ourselves over balconies
Mr. Elliott Smith proved
Not to be so crazy
Hey Mr. Misery
You’re not alone
I can’t find a house
That feels like a home
My heart wasn’t beating
It was just the outside pounding
On flesh covering stone
Did you see it all coming?
Spare me the "I told you so"
Just turn around and start running
So i can finally let it go

blindfold

I wished upon a shooting star
I lost my breath on that crystal flower
I crossed my fingers until they turned blue
So now I’ll leave it up to you
To let my dreams come true
I believed in all those fairy tales
I saw the castle up in the sky
I gave up on wondering and asking why
I could never make up my mind
So I left it up to fate
The answer to indecision
The artist that could paint my vision
The muse that could encompass
All that I could never be
The blind man that described perfectly
All those things I could not see
The light that guided me home
When the night was cold and black
The gut feeling that led me in the right direction
When I had wandered off and lost track
The blood flow that kept my heart beating
When my soul had given up
The record that scratched and kept repeating
All the words that gave me faith in love
The pain of a pinprick in paralysis
Like being blindfolded and finding the perfect kiss

this crazy breed

After all, I'm only human
Forgive me for these reckless mistakes
Forget the time it takes for me to come around
I can only stand for so long with my two feet on the ground.
My flaws will not fix themselves
My attitude won't change
If you keep trying to perfect me
I'll just become more disarranged.

Society, you sicken me
With eyes that judge and do not see
A lying tongue and blackened heart
Consumed by greed and vanity
We are poisoned from the start
You move slow like a disease
That will kill us all with secrecy.

After all, I'm just a girl
Forgive me for my foolish ways
Forget the days I spend lost inside a dream
I can only hold my breath so long before I start to scream.
I don't want you to love me
I don't want you to think me fair
It's just a facade I've made because I do not care
Just an illusion that you see, because I am not there.

Society, you sicken me
With arms that hug but do not hold
Look at what you've done to me
All these lies you've told
We believed you from the start
And now you sit back and watch
As we fall victim to your every move and tear ourselves apart.

today and tomorrow

i awoke without hesitation
i awoke full of inspiration
with a song in my head
and a story to tell
i smiled in the midst of salvation.

i walked the streets with my heart on my sleeve
i walked the streets with the need to believe
my head was held high
and eyes straight ahead
i did not shiver in the crisp autumn breeze.

i left that day without looking back
i left that day with no plan of attack
i knew nothing at all
and i knew everything
i had to wander off the beaten track

i dreamt that night the wildest of dreams
i dreamt that night of the things in between
of things forgotten
and things to come
i arrived in the future that i once had seen.

everything in its right place

Slow like a movie
Sweet as a song
Always wanting more
As I breathe you in
I don't want to exhale.

birth

Each morning I awaken with a different thought in my head, a different feeling. It's as though I am a new person each day, even if just for that single moment. Sometimes I wake with a question, sometimes with a goal, sometimes with a destination, and sometimes with nothing at all. I wonder who I am, who I have been, and who I will be. But one thing stays the same...I wake up alone. Wether it be by myself or next to somebody, it does not change. That being said, I am left with a lot of time to think. Throughout our lives we are taught many things. How to walk, how to speak, how to share, how to read, how to write, how to think, how to process, how to be successful...the list goes on. But we are never taught how to love, how to lose, how to fail, how to be happy, how to cry, or how to simply manage. I suppose these things are expected to be innate to us all. We are always seeking answers. Some of us learn through experience, while others are at a constant loss. We are told from the beginning that in order for life to be complete, we must fall in love, get married, and have children. But many of us come from broken families and broken homes...the only love we know lays in shambles scattered across the floor. When we are young and naive, we expect life to be a breeze, we believe that love is like a fairytale. We can't wait to grow older. We think that all things are beautiful, all smiles genuine, and that the words we hear and stories we are told consist of nothing but truth and fact. Then we become older, we doubt, and we rebel when we start to see the reality of it all. We see how the world works and how people are. We begin to search for and examine the dark side of things, mostly because we were never shown. We try to find our purpose in this world every day. I often wonder if anyone can say they have truly succeeded in finding it. I suppose we could go on forever trying to make sense of things, however, I feel that nothing is meant to make sense. I feel that life exists simply for us to enjoy it. Perhaps we as people are too complex, always complicating things. Maybe life is just as simple as it was from the first moment we opened our eyes to see it...

fixation

sweet addiction, you got the best of me
you take my breath from me
then vanish like the sun
and re-appear each morning
i wish you'd go away
but come mid day
i fade away
and come each night
i hate myself
and you for being right
i try to fight
i try to fight
but never win
the rush of sin
is like adrenaline beneath my skin
they'll never know
one day i'll go
far away from here
i always dream to disappear
and you help me do it
yes you do
i'm gone and no one has a clue

piece of mind. peace of mind.

In my failed attempt to make a difference in this world, I stumbled upon an unintended success in finding myself. I have learned that the ones we love the most are the ones that can hurt us the worst, and that getting hurt is the only thing that can make us stronger. That the more we cry, the less we feel the pain. That the angrier we become, the less we have control. I've learned that the more we know, the less we judge. That we can only learn with an open mind, and a closed mind just leads to arrogance and naivety. That sometimes we need to look at the bigger picture in order to notice the smaller details. That enjoying the simple things in life are the only things that can make it seem less complicated. I've learned that we cannot love another if we hate ourselves. That we cannot succeed if we cannot handle failure. That the less we have, the more we appreciate. That the more we have, the more we want, and the greedier we become. I've learned that you cannot love with a broken heart. That the slower we move, the more we see. I've learned that you can't let go unless you are ready to, but if you hold on to something for too long then you will never escape the past. I've learned that things and people change, and there is nothing any of us can do to avoid it. I've learned that the most beautiful things in life are often found when we are not searching for them. I've learned that hope is the only intangible thing that can keep us going, and if that is all we have, that is enough.

whisper. talk. shout. scream. silence.

Can you hear me?
Can you see me?
Can you taste me?
I’ve lost myself
Somewhere inside you
And I don’t know where to go
Forget me
Forgive me
Or never let me know
I feel you
I can’t keep it together
Anymore
I shed no tears
It’s all inside
Building up
Until I choke
On the words I couldn’t say
I mean this when I say it
Please just stay away
It’s simple
And real
I can’t be touched
Nor can I feel
So do as I say
One day you will realize
It’s better off this way

embrace

Here I stand, disoriented
In all these unfamiliar places
Sick of people and their two faces
You will not find me here again
I'll disappear in time
Leave nothing but my words behind
Forgotten just as quickly as I had escaped
I always wanteed more than this world could give
Afraid not of dying, but to never have lived
I tried making the best of what I was able
Enjoying the times that were shaken and unstable
The ride is always better than the destination
So reached out in my salvation
My reflection a stranger
Myself unknown
I've felt whole and complete
I've felt alone
I've been real and I've been an illusion
I've felt welcome
I've been an intrusion
Life is often misunderstood
We always search desparately for an answer
Perhaps it doesn't exist
And in our constant questioning we've missed
All the things that might give us meaning
That are full of truth and comfort
I'm in no hurry to know
I'll take my time
As time lets me go
I will lead a life fulfilled
For I did not live in fear of the end
But learned to enjoy the thrill

breathe in, breathe out

i saw it all
it passed me by
i let it go
you asked me why
i never cared
i told you i
was never there
it's over now
dead and gone
time lingers on
kindred spirits
broken thoughts
empty souls
forget all those
forget me nots
i swear you were
a waking dream
drowning in
an endless stream
left behind
never mine
never yours
never ours
cross your heart
you told a lie
all was lost
broken and torn
helpless and forlorn
an untraceable cost
i do not feel
the day is quiet
the night yells
first in heaven
then to hell
now i cannot tell
sheer delight
beaten to despair
what is ugly
was once so fair
i cannot bare
my soul to share
another moment
with another
or to uncover
another mask
a simple movement
with an endless task
i choose to be
on my own
i choose to be
alone

thank you, kindly, for your persitance

but i have chosen the path of least resistance

vacation

all i ever wanted, vacation...time to get away.

i don't know how i'm gonna tell you...i can't play with you no more

darlin if you're hurtin, you know you can come home. there are far better things to do than sit around alone. there are things that can bring you happiness that you never would have known. i know i've been away but i'm trying to make it back. in attempting to find out who i am i feel like i've just lost track. i wanted to feel something inside but instead ran into the love i lack. although i look up at the sky and it's painted the deepest blue, i cannot feel the sunshine if i'm not looking at you. i miss you more than you know, and sometimes i don't know what to do. i remember when we were kids and i thought we'd never be apart. you were the only person i'd let anywhere near my heart. i care about you now just as much as i did from the start. if i could take you with me, babe you know i would. but we're living in different worlds somehow, and that would do no good. maybe in some distant time and place, we will end up together. and you can finally believe me when i said i'd love you forever. and we can smile and laugh just like we're living in a dream. until then i'll be thinking of you while we're stuck here in between.

it's strange

how beautiful people look when they're walking out the door

stranger, i wish i knew

isolated but inviting
desolate and brooding
a breath of something exciting
you set me off
hope i'm not intruding
but i need to know your name
your soul it speaks to me
and now i'm not the same
i'll do what ever it takes
to get to know you better
so let's run away together
and make some mistakes
you're the cure to feed my starving eyes
i see past your beautiful disguise
you might be the only real thing
walkin' around this ghost town
i'd love to hear you sing
when it all turns upside down
you make me feel unsure
and now i just want more
you may be hard to read
but i'll try my best
you're not like all the rest
i'm standing but my knees are shakin'
my head is fine but my body is achin'
so come and set me free
too blind with pleasure to see
so what's a girl to do
stranger, i wish i knew

if you walk away i'll walk away

i tried to hold back. to keep my composure and hold everything in. now i give up. you win. too much time has passed and i shouldn't think like this. shouldn't dream of your eyes or your kiss. but there you are. alive and well. time will tell. time will yell. time will scream your name. i hope you're still the same. hope nothing has changed. hope some hope remains. feelings come and go. it was one hell of a show. they'll never even know.

have we reached the point of no return yet?

i want to know what it's like to turn my back on it all

words that mean nothing

you watched as the clouds drifted slowly through the summer sky. you asked me why everything always passes you by. you said you wanted to abandon something just to see what it feels like to be on the other side. but you're an angel, don't you see? you don't know how much you mean to me. the cold embrace of this world is bittersweet. it can destroy some, but you and i stay alive in our defeat. you told me i could achieve all the things that i desire if i just believe. here on earth our spirits roam. i think my soul has turned into stone. are we living or are we dying? i just can't tell. one man's kingdom can be another man's hell. perhaps it's both of the two. go ahead and bid your farewell. i promise i will never tell. and if i hurt you, i am sorry. please know that none of it was ever easy. so please don't watch me as i walk away, because i can feel it. if you want my heart you have to steal it. you tell me i am complicated, but the truth is i just don't care. each move is never orchestrated. i'm sorry if i've been unfair. falling in love is much tooover rated. i'm in my own world and that is where i'll stay. you're talking to me but i can't hear a word you say. life will forever be a sweet surrender. you will always be what i remember.

i hold secrets i can no longer keep
these thoughts and feelings run too deep
i never got the chance to tell you
but when i hear your voice my knees go weak
you are the sunlight breaking through the clouds
all the whispers i couldn't scream out loud
you're the bad habit i could never break
the chance that i could never take
the smile that i couldn't fake
i lay awake and cannot sleep
i wander through dark empty streets
the stop lights change from red to green
you are the future unforseen
my reoccuring pointless dream
i want it all to end
perhaps this pain will never mend
i can't live in a world of pretend
this all just has to fade
forget the promises i made
forget my love kept hidden in the shade
you never would have stayed
i forgot what it was that i chased after
love is not meant to be a disaster
i know some things just cannot be
there never was a you and me.

^^the dreamers^^

As slow as the world seems to turn, sometimes it can make you dizzy. Time can pass you by in an instant, the blink of an eye. And you can either choose to look back or look ahead. Regret can overwhelm the mind as it is easier for some to reminisce then to imagine. It's easy to sit around all day and wonder how things could have been, or how different things would be now. But the purpose of life is to keep living, to keep going, no matter how hard it is. Regardless of our surroundings, we see what we want to see. we ignore what we wish wasn't there. If it's so simple to manipulate the present, then how come it's impossible to change the past or see the future? Perhaps that is the reason we keep going. Mystery is more intriguing than what we see with the naked eye. Existance is what we make of it. Some things truly are out of our hands, but most of the time it's just an excuse we make for giving up. The truth is that failure is easier than triumph. It's much less of an effort to surrender and go back to our daily routine than it is to brave the unfamiliar. To enter a world of the unknown is terrifying. It's like slipping into a dark hole and not having anything to hold on to or slow you from breaking your fall. Some are okay with comfort, while others strive to encounter that fear. It's like an itch, not necissarily what you want to be done, but what has to be done. Many spend their lives being warm and comfortable, content with reality. The remainder aren't happy unless they're chasing something, wether it be reaching for the stars or swimming to the horizon. Never knowing is what keeps them alive...

beautifully broken

He was a beautiful mess. He seemed to look his best when he was fallin apart. And as he stumbled toward me, his eyes fixated straight ahead, I knew he had stolen my heart. Drawn in by the words he never said, the unspoken passion was there from the start. He could make me feel the sunlight when there wasn't a trace of blue in the sky. I didn't want to sleep at night because he was a waking dream that could never die. Such an organized disaster all scattered everywhere, his eyes were full of despair but his old soul was true. So genuinely ill-prepared for all the simple things he never knew. He wears his façade with elegance, so scared of something real. It's safe to say he's confident when everything is concealed. He can't be aware of his misery if he never has to feel. A walking broken tragedy, so vulnerable in his sadness, there was some sort of sick temptation in all those fucked up nights of madness. He slowly started to lose control, and I reached out my trembling hand. I said ((I cannot save you, as you know, but I promise I can understand)). He said he never expected life itself to ravage all his plans. We all wish for things to work out, but in the end they simply never can. He learned to fake a smile and pretend that it all was fine. I think he even fooled himself because he couldn't draw the line. They say everything heals with time but that just isn't true. Time can carve into a wound and make it sting like it was new. It just gets deeper and deeper until it becomes a part of you. He carried an emotional burden and it was starting to wear him down. He said the same thing that sucked him in was what made him want to leave this town. Trapped into being free isn't as invigorating as it sounds. If I could convince him that there was a chance and something better stood ahead, I would. I'd say all the hopeful words I meant, and I'd believe it all if I only could. I'd tell him that everything would be okay, but in this day all words and feelings do no good.

society

II

Society

You hide behind your mask and think it looks good as long as you look like everyone else. As long as you don't stand out. You take in everyone else's thoughts, everyone else's views and try to claim them as your own. You're so brainwashed that you truly think they are a part of you. You point out others' insecurities in hopes that no one will notice yours. I'd rather stand naked and vulnerable in the light than safe and comfortable in the shadows. I'm sick of society, I'm sick of everyone. You have a cigarette in one hand and a bottle in the other, you yell out, "live fast and die young!!"....are you even living? You have everything mixed up. You mistake vanity for beauty, but something beautiful is never vain. The only way you can tell if someone is truly beautiful is by observing them when they think no one is looking. The word "love" rolls off your tongue much too frequent and far too easily. Love is not something that goes away. If you find yourself saying it to every significant other that you have, chances are it isn't real. You talk of dreams and hopes and passions and goals as if they will just fall into your lap. You look into the future and tremble. You look back at the past and cringe. The purpose of mistakes is not for them to be repeated and excused, but to teach you something. You learn nothing and gain nothing but ignorance. You hear songs but not the music, you read words but don't know the meaning. You view change with fear in your eyes and see no opportunity. You'd sell your soul to experience fame even if you were loved and praised for all the wrong reasons. You flaunt your facade with pride and hide who you are with shame. Your soul is empty and this fucked up world is to blame.

the world (in frames)

It all awakens with curiosity....shining bold and beautifully from afar, promising and full of life. Your eyes widen and your heart skips a beat or two. You are drawn in by it's appeal from the start. A seemingly sweet beginning to a potentially bitter end. Instantly you are thrown into in a whirlwind and, willing or unwilling, you fall victim to it's every move. You enjoy the ride, you feel free and full of exhiliration. But then, slowly, you start to see the flaws. The lights that once shined so bright start to dim. Dreams that once seemed plausible start to fade into the distance. It all comes crashing down. You witness the abundance of wickedness and treachery the world contains. Your naive heart breaks as everything that once made sense is now unfamiliar. You cannot cry, you cannot scream because you are empty. The pain goes so deep that you don't even feel it anymore. The things that used to make you feel at home are the very things that make you feel like a displaced stranger. You feel as though you are sinking into an unknown sea of darkness. You almost let yourself go. You start to remember the things that made you human. If that is all you have to pull yourself up, that is enough. No one can break your dreams but your own self doubt. So you start to believe again, knowing that after every storm comes sunshine, making it all the more warming and comforting. The world might have turned its back on you, but the stars still glisten in the sky, the heavens just above.

in pictues of truth lie...

we paint pictures of the sea

of the fiery sky and frozen trees

well i painted one of you and me

of how perfect we could never be

it made me see what i didn't before

the little things i chose to ignore

your heart was true but your effort was poor

i can see it all so clearly now

a love that once stood strong turns weary somehow

these pictures hang on our walls

but depict nothing real at all

they're the way we imagine things

safe inside a frame they will never be torn

never broken or battered or worn

and although they never change

they can make you feel a different way

if looked at on a different day

i can see it all so clearly now

as these short months turn into long years somehow

at some point in time we will put these pictures away

put them in storage and save them for a rainy day

because we all know things and people change

something that once made you smile can bring you pain

what once gave you peace of mind can drive you insane

the dust might settle but underneath the feelings remain

so we hide the memories of then and replace them with now

instead of wondering why the laughter turned into tears somehow

control.

everything is an illusion so you say. i seem coherent but i'm fading away. i've always believed that one day it would be worth the trouble. one day it would all piece together. you say forever like it has meaning behind it. cross your heart but you can't even find it. at the bottom of a bottle the pain starts to subside. it's so easy to hide behind all of our addictions. in this fictional world it's hard to find something real. if i'm always numb then i'll never have to feel. i can never be broken. never again. counting backwards from ten to fall asleep. this surreal world is something i wish i could keep. reality is deceiving and twisted. looking for an escape but i always miss it. i try to find truth but it's non existant. you can hold me close but i will always be distant. my feet are on the ground but my head is in the clouds. i wish there was an in between. listen closely and you can hear the sound of a broken dream. feelings buried so deep that i don't know they are there. forgive this life and forget despair. it all vanishes so perfectly into thin air. i can disappear without a care.

addiction

what good are eyes if i cannot see? sweet silence, oh how sweet silence can be. always wondering and never knowing, oh how horibble it is to wait. you move slow like a movie as i rush forward to shake hands with fate. always watching from a distance, observing and wanting and learning. i try to turn away but this desire within me keeps burning. sick with the discomfort of wanting what i can't obtain. the feelings still remain, though there are some things that i wish away. some things simply cannot stay, but linger on for days and days. hope always finds a way to be promising, to hold expectations high in the air. i wish it all to stop and disappear. to care is to be weak, and i never want to live with fear. so i'll sit here in my misery enjoying every moment, oh how addicting it can prove to be without me even knowing it.

"dear dream boy"

i have not met you yet
i don’t know if i ever will
do you dream when there is time to kill?
do you imagine things that may never be?
do you hope for things you cannot see?
have you loved another like you will love me?
there is so much that i must know
if i do find you i will not let you go
is your heart strong and true?
has it been broken or beaten blue?
will you take me to the heavens
and part the clouds so we can watch the world turn?
will you teach me things i want to learn?
will you hold me when i cannot sleep?
and love me till it hurts too deep?
will you promise to never ever lie?
and if all of the stars fell from the sky
would you keep them for yourself?
or put them back where they belong?
do your eyes tell the story of your soul?
or do you keep it hidden behind a wall?
does passion flow through your veins?
do you smile even when you are in pain?
i want you to take me away
show me new things every day
show me what it is to feel
but i am afraid you will never be real.

summer's end

days go by so fast i cannot see each wild night fades into a dim lit memory wishing for things i can't touch wondering why i hoped so much each day seems like the last i can't tell the present from the past cant tell the laughter from the tears these short months are turning into long years i've loved and hated so much my heart has disappeared i smile but im hiding im breathing yet im dying i promise but im lying the liquor gets a hold of me it chains me but it sets me free looking forward to every day hoping i'll be led astray dreaming till the stars shine brighter till the sky falls or the moon gets lighter days go by so fast i cannot see i love it i need it bring me another memory

dreamer

I dream these great big dreams, they never could deceive me. These dreams, they will come true! O yes, you must believe me. I'm hoping for a miracle, it's fate, and it will be. Good things lie ahead my friend, soon you, too, shall see. Someone somewhere must have important plans for me. So I will face the world tomorrow with a sparkle in my eye. For I am filled with all these dreams, dreams that cannot die. These feelings that I have inside will get me through the day. These dreams that fill up in my head can take me far away. I want to shout this out for all the world to hear! Then maybe they, too, can live without a fear. But I'll keep them to myself today and I will hold them tight. I know now that this way is the only one that's right. I cant even tell you, dear friend, as foolish as it seems. For just one look of doubt from you could shatter all my dreams.

someday i'll find it

beneath the amber sky our souls roam free
it's when i close my eyes and feel your kiss that i can finally see
i don't wanna come down no i wanna stay up here
so wide awake within a dream that i am living without fear
the sun sets upon the horizon where heaven and earth embrace
i was lost deep in the dark but now i'm in some better place
all i hear within the silence is the beating of your heart
i'd tell you everything i feel but i think i'd fall apart
time just disappears when you wrap your arms around me
i waited so long for for happiness and now it has finally found me
if you promise to stay here then i'll promise not to go
if you turn around and walk away then you will never know

Friday, August 22, 2008
................
my heart was pounding like winter rain just one more to ease the pain one last time or i'll go insane if i can't escape then i'd rather pretend where's that angel heaven was supposed to send time heals everything or so i am told such bullshit but i guess i'm sold it doesn't make sense but it sounds alright let's make believe we're real tonight as all our thoughts vanish into thin air i'm all wrapped up but i feel so bare society never gave me time to prepare for all its silly irony and how nothing turns out the way it's meant to be that the earth spins in circles and that's how it will stay everything is the same every fucking day i want a one way ticket to constant change i never want to see the same familiar faces i want to be a new person in different places i don't want an identity anymore i just want something worth living for i can see the sun resting on the ocean's surface all this talk of fate it makes me nervous perhaps there's only one way out maybe if i stomp and scream and shout i can get what i want or what i need or perhaps if i beg and plead i can get some sort of answer just to see if this world has any kind of plans for me or if i'm just a waste of breath what is life but constant death give me some sort of meaning show me the things that i'm just not seeing i want it all and more just give me something to fight for
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Monday, August 18, 2008
skyline
heaven collapsed as it hit solid ground
the sky caught on fire like the fourth of july
everything was moving but i couldn't hear a sound
it was like watching a highway from a window inside
all the miracles they just weren't enough
we had nothing to save us but the power of love
no more stars to wish on in the black abyss above
we started longing for the simple things
the weeping of a guitar string
the joy that summer love can bring
all the times that we would laugh and sing like we never had a care
in love and war all is never fair
i though i'd seen despair but it was nothing until this night
people giving up without a fight
if only we had tried to make things right
but we took every single breath for granted
mother nature laughed as if she'd planned it
i thought of all the dreams i'd never fulfill
the rivers stopped flowing and the ocean was calm
the wind kept blowing but the trees stood still
in tragedy lies some sort of beautiful sadness
you kept me alive in this world full of madness
and in the end we still wonder where it is that we went wrong
perhaps that was the problem all along

x

i open my eyes to the blinding morning light
and walk across the room to the mirror
i wipe away the dust and stare in awe
at a stranger that starts to appear
another day to waste because of a night that meant nothing
perhaps if i keep trying i'll start to feel something
but until then i won't even breathe
this misery i'm feeling well it's not even me
maybe it's something i'm just not seeing
something lost in the dark such an empty feeling

whirlwind

hold on tight darling we are going for a ride
with no means to return so recite all those tearful good byes
we're going to a place where earth and heaven collide
something you won't see with those pretty waking eyes
we can laugh at all those people who told us not to believe
we can escape this world obsessed with vanity and greed
to a place that holds more secrets then the deep blue sea
more promising then all the stories we would always read
you can't look back you must know the old world was full of lies
it was full of emptiness wrapped up in some beautiful but vague disguise
we're going to a place where we can simply be
we're going to a place where we we can finally be set free

driving down and endless road trying to find the sun
everything you think is gone has only just begun
i put a message in a bottle and threw it into the sea
inside i put my heart and soul for someone else to read
perhaps one day they'll find it and give it back to me
i dropped a penny into a well and made a wish i'll never tell
then i started wondering and thinking to myself
why a coin so meaningless is the token of hopeful dream
is anything in this world is ever what it seems?
i went out into the city and walked along the street
studied all the people i see each day but never meet
everyone going out of their way never to brush against each other
is it such a terrible thing for one person to notice another?
taxis are screaming always rushing to their destination
every set of eyes i meet seem to cry out in desparation
i watched a man buy a ticket hoping to win the lottery
thinking all the money in the world might just make him happy
i looked at him and smiled but he just walked right past me
i heard children playing and i turned my head to see
i wanted to be that young again so innocent and free
to know so little that all they do is make believe
a couple walked by me their hands were intertwined
the kind of love we read in novels and always hope to find
so fixated on each other that it was as if no one else existed
i prayed i never had a chance at love like that and missed it
all these people somehow taught me things about myself
i almost wanted to reach out and thank them for their help
but i put out my cigarette and turned to walk away
i went home to escape into dreams of better days

Music isn't noise

Music is emotion, feelings. Not written with a pen, but with the mind and the soul. All the things we'll understand but never know, the people we wish we were, the places we'll never go. It is the love we'll always hold on to but never let show. It is our darkest dreams, our deepest fears, our loudest screams, our heaviest tears. Our highest hopes, our bluest skies, our brightest stars, our darkest nights. How we know the world is ours when everything else is out of sight. Music is all the things we felt but could never say. The things that were forgotten, the things taken away. It is the times we were so unprepared, the times we pretended not to care. It is all the things we have done right, and everything we have done wrong, all tangled up and compiled into song. It is the times our hearts have broken, all the words that were never spoken. All the memories we pushed aside, all the feelings we couldn't hide, and all the love we tried to disguise. All the times we were afraid, the enemies and friendships made. It is the things we won't forget, the mistakes that we regret. Everything that we look back on, and the things that lie ahead. The times we wanted to yell but kept quiet instead. It is the letters we wrote but couldn't send, the pain that we could never mend, the things we said but never meant. Music is what makes our blood flow and our hearts beat, it makes our souls touch when our eyes meet. It is the things that never were, and the things that will never be. It is what holds us together, but will always set us free...

buncha bullshit

when i saw you it was your eyes that pulled me in
filled with emotion i wanted to know
i had to turn around for a second look
now i sit here all alone trying to let you go
i know you're leaving but i would wait for you again
i lied when i said my heart still aches
it simply stopped beating
i look back on all these mistakes
and wonder why they keep repeating
all those words i couldn't speak
i don't think i ever told you this
but when i hear your voice my knees get weak
i wish i could tell you how i feel
that for the first time in a while
i thought something could be real
that each night i go to bed
i wish you could be laying there
so you could kiss me as i fall asleep
and run your fingers through my hair
that i think about you all the time
and you don't even know it
that deep down i wanted you to be mine
but had too much pride to show it
that sometimes i stay awake at night
hoping that you'll call
and it was the little things you did
that made me start to fall
that i wanted to know you better
i wanted to see you more
and i wish you felt the same
so i could say i had something worth waiting for

late nights turn into early mornings
behind each smile lies a story
there's shattered dreams and broken trust
secret love and hidden lust
each look must have a meaning
never sleeping always dreaming
we are always trying to forget the past
so tip your hat or raise your glass
to promises and fate
to life's irony you love to hate
always trying to leave and escape
but never knowing why
those drunken words were just a lie
but they painted such a pretty future
if you'd do anything not to lose her
then maybe it's best to show it
you're missing out and you don't even know it
but we all just laugh it off tonight
as these drinks make the future fade from sight
if it never came i think it'd be alright
so we stay awake into the morning light
and wish time didn't exist at all
if we don't fall asleep
we don't have to wake up
to those pretty things we'll never keep

i listened to my heart sink
it wasn't a great sound
why is it that when i start to think
my world turns upside down
there's something about it
that makes me weak in the knee
i don't know how to feel anything
if i could just open my eyes to see
it's not like me it's just a lie
what once was will never stay to be
when i count on that star-infested sky
it's okay for hope to go astray
try to find a better day
hope flies off on it's own and then
we all make excuses that we say
"love" slips off our tongue
too frequent and much too soon
just like the solemn faces
that stand examining the moon
as if we could retrace it
and go back to the truth
is it so much to ask for
when i hear it from afar
just sittin waiting honestly
on that hopeful shooting star
we are all much too blind to see
this world even start to fall apart

he wears his facade with elegance

so scared of something real

it's safe to say he's confident

when everything's concealed

i saw straight through to something better

someone deeper

someone true

all these things i thought i knew

until i stopped and realized

that i was a fool too

he made me smile on the inside

i tried to hide it but it showed

i was never one to care

but something told me otherwise

i've always been better off alone

but there was a story hidden behind those eyes

that i suppose i'll never know

and now after all this time i realize

that it's time to let the feelings go

i followed the river on out to the sea
sat in silence and wondered
if what was always will be
i put a message in a bottle
just to see if it would return to me
i don't mind the being alone
i get lost on purpose just to feel at home
but when the truth begins to surface
i want to feel something i've never known
i always imagined love to be like a symphony
it can make you feel without a word being said
and just like that it won't escape your head
but im afraid i'll never know
i don't let anyone get close
and if they do i go
leave without an explanation
disappear with no reason why
so how can love exceed my expectations
if i don't even give it a try

the wind gently blows through the frozen trees
it's comforting as it puts the world at ease
my thoughts and fears they drift away
i can finally close my eyes and breathe
i wish the all days went by like this
where you could take in every moment
but they pass you in an instant
gone before you know it

be careful that breath you take
it might not last you long
be careful with that heart you break
it might just do you wrong
be careful with that move you make
you might not be so strong

my mind is awake it never falls asleep
the world spins too fast for us to weep
my memories all fall away
they were too prescious for me to keep
i wish they could just stay with me
so i could always play them in my head
but they are gone today
so i'll just dream instead

be careful with that breath you take
it might give up on you
be careful with that heart you break
it might destroy you too
be careful with that move you make
life might get the best of you

all I dream of is the unknown. tired of being surrounded by people but feeling alone. of being embraced but not feeling at home. i see a thousand smiles but eyes full of sorrow. always looking at yesterday and never tomorrow. i see so many people but can't tell if they're real. i live and i breath but i can't seem to feel. i hear so many songs without meaning. there's too many hearts that aren't even beating. stories are told without truth. people my age are losing their youth. the sky is full of stars but no one looks above. so many couples but no one in love. why can't we all just slow down to see the beauty that lies in simplicity? it's not about looking back but looking ahead. not following a path but being misled. not about the time taken but how it was spent. not who you kissed but what it meant. and that perfection won't exist and wouldnt be as exciting as the imperfect things we are always hiding.

oh how i long for the days that never made any sense
they all blur together with such unnoticed magnificence
the days where nothing mattered
where time stood still
and reality shattered
do things as good as that really last?
im looking into the future by my heart longs for the past
how does it happen how does it show
i smile today but tomorrow i never know
i'm so happy here
but i feel like there's always more
i'm never satisfed because of what i think the future could have in store

time

it's summertime again but the winter will come much too soon. I wonder where all the days went as the minutes seem to go slowly by. We don't exactly cherish the time spent together as much as much as we might try. I hold my memories tight and I'll keep them close to me for as long as they'll last. The months go by and things I looked forward to now lie in the past. The sun sets again as we all take advantage of the time we have together. Some friends I once swore to surround myself with forever seem to be slipping further away. More than ever I find myself looking back and wishing for those golden days. The nights of liquor and love and lust and sin are all a little hazy. The times we all let go and drank ourselves crazy. Rememberance brings back those feelings we all tried so hard to push aside. It puts that smile on my face that's impossible to hide. What is it about these nights that bring us all so close? I love what ever it may be it makes me want to stay young forever. It's time that binds us all so close together, so here's a toast, let's all surrender. To those lovely nights filled with things we can't remember.

funny how all that matters can turn into nothing
before you blink an eye
how can you tell what's important in life
if what used to make you smile
makes you want to cry
it all made sense at one point in time
you didn't even notice the days going by
then all of a sudden it takes you by surprise
all that lives is born to die
just one look into those eyes
and i knew
it was much too good to be true
all those fairty tales got the best of me
i guess i have only myself to blame
you can give what you wish to test me
but i'm still here i'm still the same
you can pretend all you want
i can see straight through
all those times i thought i knew
i didn't see it at all
you thought it would be interesting
to see me fall
but truth is im still up high
wondering why i'm wondering why
but
i realize that nothing really matters
why waste time when it all just shatters
it's a hope that lies so far away
i'd always wished for a better day
but those feelings have run dry
why waste time to try and try
when i can just walk the other way
i'm sorry to say that i've been led astray
simply because you didn't try to make me stay

nonsense?

as the cold winter hangs its head
maybe i can bring myself to look
at what is right in front of me instead
tell me, if i cry does that mean i am real?
it's your heart that i want to steal
if i put it in my chest will it beat any stronger?
i want to stay in this fucked up world a little longer
just to see if it turns out alright
there's got to be some hope
even in the dead of night
if i close my eyes maybe it will all go away
i know there's a million things i could say
to make things better but it all gets worse
everything i touch is cursed
but i swear i swear i didn't mean it
did i lie well enough for you to believe it?
i know i made a promise but i couldn't keep it
i'm sorry for all the trouble and the harm
but you did almost kill me with that charm
perhaps you're just as much to blame
i'd look you in the eyes but you're not the same
then again who is now a days?
i guess we all go our separate ways
but we will always have the past
people always say "never look back"
but i think it's the only way we can make each other last

freedom

i need a vacation. i need sunshine, warm water, and surf. for the love of god im going crazy here.

why oh why

can't dreams just come true

future

tell me little girl, oh where did you go?
too lost to find the sea, too busy to hear the wind blow
i don't know when you left, don't know how long you'll be gone
but i know i will miss you as this life goes on and on
have you found your prince charming, did he take you away?
i remember how you talked about it, you would always say,
"someday i'll find the patience, to wait for a better day"
you were always dreaming, always somewhere secret
did you grab that shooting star and find somewhere to keep it?
i haven't heard from you, sometimes i stay up and worry
you left with no farewell, and you were in such a hurry
you might be on your own, you never needed anyone
you preferred being alone, always in search of the sun
i wish i could talk to you, to make sure all is well
i'm sure you have so many secrets you are dying to tell
i hope you found a meaning, and kept that innocence
did you finally see the world and how it all makes sense?
i hope you did it all, everything and more
you said you wouldn't settle or give up like before
i just hope you found what it was you were searching for...

what we are left with here
again and again
is hope for a better day
with all these sleepless nights
that's the best that i can say
and if hope decides to leave me
i'll hold on to the memories
and pray that time will not deceive me
some days i look at my reflection
and i don't know who stares back at me
the farthest from acclaimed perfection
im looking at my worst enemy
i've grown apart i've gone away
more than i can count today
but the promise of a new tomorrow
is what gets me out of bed
i'll replay the words that were said
to keep me from the sorrow
"it's not brave if you're not scared"
these secrets lie beneath the surface
so genuine and unprepared
waiting to be found so i
can finally believe you cared

the sun is shining so bright it's hard to see
the streets are full of people but somehow they're still empty
so teach me how to listen when all the noise turns into silence
how do you expect me to find peace in a world that's full of voilence
how can i look into your eyes if you don't even see me
how can i tell the truth if you won't even believe me
they say love is what makes you alive again
that love is what makes you real
but how am i to love if i don't even know how to feel

realization

the best is yet to come

stuff and things

you ask what it is that i am running from. i can't tell you because i don't quite know. the best you can do is just let me go. i am not like the rest, you see. i keep my heart hidden deep inside of me. so no one can get in. i promised myself that i would never let it break again, but i feel it happening every day. just seeing the world we're living in. if only i could rid the world of all that is untrue. and save the things that are pure. but i just can't tell them apart anymore. call me a fool but i just can't decide which side to fight for. so if you ask me what i'm running from, would you believe me if i said everything? i'm in search of something, anything. as long as it has passion and meaning. a road to happiness, to love. or a golden stairway to the stars above. take me away, take me to innocence. i forgot what it feels like to make sense. i want to smile without a care. and not know that this world is so unfair.

contemplation

city lights are blinding but here everything is the same. is it really possible to escape that? i need to be out of my comfort zone. but soon enough all that is new to me will become routine and it will blend together again. the new faces i see become familiar and then it all repeats itself. maybe it would be better if i were a new person each day. then everything would be fresh and exciting each morning i opened my eyes. i don't know what it is that i feel the need to run from. or what it is that i am running to. i just need to get away. find myself. do they have books on how to do that? probably not. i want more, and of what i do not know. more life, more knowledge. i see biographies about interesting people. i hope if someone were to write about me that it wouldn't be boring. act now, there might not be a tomorrow. live while you can, don't put things off. next week, next month, "in a minute", might not come.